3 Rock & Rollers that Should Stop Rocking
Everyone loves to marvel at rock and rollers like The Rolling Stones that keep on rocking well into their golden years. But isn’t it also incumbent on us to tell certain rock and rollers when they should just give it up? I’m not talking about retirement here – I’m just saying that there are some people should stick to the soft stuff.
3 Rock & Rollers that Should Stop Rocking
Elton John
Nobody does schmaltz quite like Sir Elton. He’s been one of music’s finest purveyors of maudlin ballads for well over 30 years. From the early masterpieces like “Daniel” and “Your Song” to the bloated (yet endearing) pomposity of later songs like “The One” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”, Elton and his frequently collaborator Bernie Taupin know exactly what it takes to write a song that goes down easy and makes you want to give the whole world a big old hug.
But something awful happens when Elton decides that it’s time to rock. Songs like “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” or “The Bitch is Back” are bad enough, but “Crocodile Rock” is the real sin here. “Crocodile Rock” is probably the worst song ever written by a major star. It’s an insult to rock, and EJ should have his rock license revoked for writing it. The fact that Bob the Builder, The Beach Boys and The Baha Men have all covered the tune show that they, too, definitely do not rock.
Billy Joel
Ironically, or perhaps not, the next contestant in our little game is Elton John’s touring partner Billy Joel. Now I will admit that I am unfairly biased against Billy Joel because he is the aural manifestation of Long Island. Having attended college in upstate New York, 90% of my classmates were Long Islanders and they loved two things: Long Island and Billy Joel. Now, I have nothing against Long Island (except for the clutter and the traffic) but I have nothing for it either. But Long Islanders act like Long Island is the South of France. It’s not. And years of living with people that possessed a ridiculously high opinion of Long Island (and Billy Joel) has caused me to hate both Long Island (and Billy Joel.)
Unlike Elton, who reliably writes great ballads and shitty rockers, Billy is all over the map. He’s written some really good songs (e.g. “New York State of Mind”) and he’s written a ton of bad (but popular) songs. But nothing is quite as bad as his pathetic rockers. The stinkers include “Movin’ Out”, “Big Shot”, “Pressure”, “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” and “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. I’m suicidal just thinking about those songs. And why do weak-ass rockers always have to include the word “rock” in their song titles? I suspect that Billy doth protest too much.
James Taylor
I feel bad including James Taylor in the list because he’s not really a rocker and he doesn’t even pretend to be. He’s a folksy singer-songwriter and in the past I’ve really liked JT. But ever since I bought the “(Live)” double-album in 1993 I’ve liked him a little less with each passing year. I predict that by 2015 I will actually like JT from Kool & the Gang better than James Taylor and by 2020 I will actively dislike James Taylor.
James’s crime is singular. His song “Steamroller” is an awful, awful song that is embarrassing for everyone involved in performing or listening to it. Especially the part where he scats: “chicken chunkin’, mother fuckin’ care…” Seriously, James? “chicken chunkin’” was the toughest phrase that you could come up with? It reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld trying to talk dirty. (And please lose the perma-hat – we all know you’re bald. It’s no big deal. Tell Paul Simon and Dwight Yoakam while you’re at it.)
Can you think of any more rock and rollers that should give up the rock?
(Well, besides Courtney Love. We didn’t mean that rock.)
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More essays about music can be found here.
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Francophile or Francophobe? Take the Test and Find Out!
Hardly a day goes by without someone asking me how they should feel about France. Now, please bear in mind that I’ve never been to France, I don’t know any French people and I don’t speak French. But people know that I’m a deep thinker and generous when doling out the advice, so they ask anyway. As a result, I’ve developed this fun little quiz to help figure out whether you’re a Francophile or Francophobe.
For well over 200 years France has been America’s best frenemy in the world. They gave us Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier (aka General Lafayette), without whom we’d never have won the revolutionary war. In return, we gave them randy Ambassador/Viagra inventor Ben Franklin who quickly tallied up an impressive record of sleeping with every girl in Paris as a 70-something year old man. Obviously, our two countries go way back.
For each of the following seven questions, please score yourself two points for yes, one point for maybe and zero points for no:
1) Do you like French food?
While France is credited with inventing fine dining and professional chefery, once you eliminate all of the disgusting things that they eat (frog legs, snails, fish eggs, rotten mushrooms, goose liver, etc.) you’re left with only three meaningful contributions to the food world: fries, omelets and freedom toast – in other words, the Denny’s menu. (0 points)
2) Do you like French music?
Clearly intimidated by nearby musical powerhouses like England and Sweden, the French have never produced any good (non-classical) music, ever. Perhaps it’s their obsession with techno and hip hop that’s ruined their chances at international music stardom. Hell, even the Germans managed to produce The Scorpions and Falco. You’ve got to go all the way back to Edith Piaf and Maurice Chevalier to even find a French musician whose name you recognize. (0 points)
3) Do you like French film?
Loving French cinema is a prerequisite to being a pretentious film snob and France has produced a long list of amazing directors, including Jean Cocteau, Jean-Luc Godard, Michel Gondry, Jean Renoir and the big daddy of them all, François Truffaut. But to be perfectly honest, most French films remind me of Barney Gumbel’s award-winning “Pukahontas”. Then again, Catherine Deneuve. (1 point)
4) Do you like French art?
The Renaissance, The Louvre, Notre Dame, Palace of Versailles, Jacques-Louis David, Manet, Monet, Renoir, Degas, etc., etc., sacre bleu! (2 points, easily)
5) Do you like French wine?
Now, I’m a beer drinker first and a spirits (rum/vodka) drinker second. If pressed, I’d admit that my favorite wine is the complex and fruity Manischewitz – which is totally awesome – so I’m obviously not a French wine drinker. However, lots of people seem to like wine and France gets credit for both the grapes and the modern production process, so good on you, les drunkelbots. (1 point)
6) Do you like French sports?
The French Open, The Tour de France and Le Mans are the three big French sporting events. That’s tennis, bicycle racing and auto racing for you non-sports fans. I don’t get the bicycle thing at all – a gaggle of men in spandex riding bikes up hills for a month in teams that aren’t really teams. On the other hand, pro bikers have advanced the science of cheating to levels that even Barry Bonds couldn’t dream of. Blood doping? That’s some seriously committed cheating. Auto racing is the most tedious “sport” known to man, but I guess that explains why French people love vacationing in the deep south. Tennis is kind of cool and I dig that they play on clay, which screws up all of the top-ranked players. (1 point)
7) Do you like French politics?
Here’s the tough question. The French right wing (which isn’t really called right wing) is currently in control of France, but their right wing seems much saner than America’s neo-crackpots. I generally view France as a lefty country where people like to go on strike, smoke butts and take a month off in the summer. In other words, they’re awesome like Manischewitz. Sure, they get dinged for that whole Vichy government thing, but then again, Carla Bruni is their first lady – easily the hottest first lady since America’s own Ellen Lewis Herndon (Nell) Arthur. (2 points)
So, how’d you do? Are you a Francophile or Francophobe? Tally up your scores to find out:
0 – 4 points: You seriously hate France, Dick Cheney-style.
5 – 10 points: You’d follow France on Twitter, but you wouldn’t friend France on Facebook
11 – 14 points: Emballer vos sacs, mon ami!
(By the way, my final score was a 7.)
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You can find more hilarant essays here.
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In Defense of Jaywalking in Boston
Once again, the anti-jaywalking forces have been making a lot of noise about the dangers of jaywalking in Boston. According to alleged scientific evidence, more pedestrians are hurt walking in the notoriously jaywalking-friendly city of Boston than in any other city in the country.
I, for one, am virulently opposed to any new efforts to end jaywalking in Boston. Jaywalking is one of our most precious cultural treasures and we need to stand up against these anti-jaywalking jihadists and Keep Boston Walking!™ (potential name for our new pro-jaywalking campaign.)
Let us recall that it wasn’t too many years ago that Mayor Menino and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler teamed up to teach Bostonians how to “Walk This Way” with a clever, pun-free campaign of signs and street paint instructing people how and when to cross the street. Naturally, the campaign was ignored and promptly failed (presumably causing Tyler to start doing drugs and record bad albums again – a sad, but potentially true story,) but it looks like they might be gearing up for another attempt to ban jaywalking.
Look, it’s important that we preserve jaywalking in order to retain our distinct regional character. Corporate radio and chain stores have turned Everytown, USA into Anytown, USA. Newbury Street and Harvard Square aren’t even special anymore. Lime Rickeys are increasingly hard to come by. Flagrant jaywalking is a beautiful, uniquely Boston thing – let’s keep it that way.
One time I was in Salt Lake City and I got stuck on a street corner where there was no traffic in any direction as far as the eye could see. I was forewarned not to jaywalk because cops will ticket you in SLC for jaywalking. So I stood there like a schmuck for the longest time ever (at least 2 minutes) waiting for the light to change. Do you know how that made me feel? Mad, sad and hot. (It’s really hot in Utah in the summer.)
The big argument against jaywalking is that people can get hurt. Well, duh, of course you can, that’s part of the fun. Frogger didn’t become the most popular video game of 1981 for nothing, you know.
Can we be honest? Bad jaywalkers kind of deserve to get hit. The people that get clipped jaywalking are the people that are too busy playing with their stupid phones to notice the cars. Isn’t getting hit by a car penalty enough for jaywalking? Now you’re going to get a ticket, too? Yeesh. (Where are the tea-baggers when you need them?)
True story: when I lived in Beacon Hill a cop once yelled at me for not jaywalking across Cambridge Street. There was construction going on and me standing there was a bigger public safety risk than me jaywalking. In that instance jaywalking probably saved a life. Think about that for a minute.
Boston is a special place and part of our specialness is our still extant spirit of independence. Just because The Man installs a bunch of paint and lights doesn’t mean he can tell me where or when to walk.
Walk this way, Mayor Menino?
Dream On.
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If you enjoy Boston-centric humor, then you’ll probably enjoy our guide to the MBTA and our guide to driving in Boston and our Boston sports fan’s guide to choosing a jersey Other mildly amusing humor essays can be found here.
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14 Highly Relevant Black Crowes Songs that Baseball Stadiums Should Play to Freak Out A-Rod
On a recent episode of his podcast, The BS Report, ESPN’s Bill Simmons (formerly the Boston Sports Guy) was chatting with his friend John ‘Jacko’ O’Connell about the Red Sox and Yankees when they hit upon a brilliant idea: opposing teams should play Black Crowes tunes to freak out Alex Rodriguez whenever he comes up to bat.
The reason for this simple yet devious ploy is that A-Rod is currently dating Kate Hudson, who is the ex-wife of Chris Robinson, lead singer of the Black Crowes. But, like most people, Bill & Jacko could only recall a couple of Black Crowes hits dating back to their brief stint atop the charts in the early ‘90s, so the idea couldn’t really take off.
I loved this idea and knew – as a diehard Crowes/Sox fan and Rodriguez/Hudson hater – that it was my destiny to take this concept and run with it. So, without further ado, here are:
14 Highly Relevant Black Crowes Songs that Baseball Stadiums Should Play to Freak Out A-Rod
When a photograph of A-Rod and Playboy Playmate Joslyn Noel Morse hit the papers while he was still married to someone else, A-Rod instantly became a “Darling of the Underground Press”. And there was “No Use Lyin’” to Katie Couric on 60 Minutes about steroid use after failing the mandatory 2003 MLB drug tests. A-Rod must have been “Waitin’ Guilty” for those results to get leaked out. Everybody knows that softball interviews are a chance to “Just Say You’re Sorry”.
But enough about his off the field controversies. Aside from personal, juice-enhanced stats, baseball must seem like a “Cursed Diamond” for A-Rod. His inability to perform in the postseason is quite “Predictable” by this point. “Only a Fool” would try to slap the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove in game 6 of the 2004 ALCS with millions of people watching. Then again, he’s the same guy in 2007 that pulled the bush-league stunt of yelling ‘I got it’ while “Movin’ On Down The Line” to trick a Blue Jays player into dropping a pop-up. Perhaps those were just some “Words You Throw Away”?
The real shame is that A-Rod takes the spotlight off the best player on the Yankees, Derek Jeter. Even Sox fans can respect a great player like Jeter, so let’s all sing “Good Morning Captain” to remind A-Rod who’s the real alpha dog in the clubhouse. What’s that, Alex? Are you “Jealous Again” of Jeter? “Bitter, Bitter You”.
What you should really be jealous of are the Red Sox players (2004, 2007) that have proudly worn the championship “Diamond Ring”. But you’ve still got a few chances left to win in your career, so let’s close by saying “Bad Luck Blues Eyes Goodbye”.
Disclaimers:
1) Yes, I realized that Manny and Ortiz might have accidentally sampled a tiny bit of steroids during the 2004/2007 championship era. I’m sure that it was an accident and/or had no affect on the results.
2) As a masshole sports fan I will fully admit that if A-Rod came to the Sox in 2007 I’d be rooting for him shamelessly.
3) Kate Hudson and A-Rod are a perfect couple and I wish them well. (A-Rod’s nickname “The Cooler” fits them both – no movie with Kate Hudson or team with A-Rod will ever succeed).
4) Chris Robinson is the Derek Jeter of rock and roll. After 20 years the range might be somewhat diminished but the intangibles keep growing. 2009 has been a great year for both Jeter and Robinson (as a stellar new Crowes album was recently released.)
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If you like humorous essays about sports you might like The Boston Sports Fan’s Guide to Choosing a Jersey. Other humor essays are here. Lots of Black Crowes and music essays can be found here.
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Return to Sender
In the annals of junk mail my most favorite item of junk mail to receive is the charity-provided return address label.
My eyes go all aglow when I spy one of those thick envelopes in the mailbox. I always make sure to open the envelope with extra attention. I must be careful not to rip even one of those beautiful pre-printed freebie labels.
I love pre-printed address labels enormously, but not quite enough to actually pay for them. Have you ever seen how much the bank tries to charge you for a book of return-address labels? We’re talking $5 or $6 (plus tax and shipping) for a pathetic couple hundred labels. Sure, the bank teases you with 8 free labels in every book of checks, but with online bill payment I’m using fewer and fewer checks these days and I just can’t get by on 8 labels. Perhaps those greedy banks wouldn’t even need to be bailed-out if they didn’t gouge us on those exorbitantly-priced return-address labels over the years.
I once considered buying a roll of return-address labels that were advertised in the back of Parade Magazine. They were quite reasonable priced but I was afraid that by buying anything from Parade Magazine I’d find myself permanently labeled as a fan of Madame Alexander dolls, commemorative kitty cat collector plates and mock-denim slacks. And let’s face facts – aside from “In Step with James Brady”, “Ask Marilyn” and “Howard Huge” Parade is a terrible magazine. It’s like Reader’s Digest for morons.
You might be interested to learn that I don’t like writing my return address by hand for three reasons:
1) Although my last name is short, my street name contains 9 letters and my town name contains 10 letters. That’s a lot of letters. I wish I considered that before we bought the house.
2) My handwriting skills are poor. I never fully mastered cursive writing as a child so now I either write in all caps block letters (like a serial killer) or a mixture of upper case, lower case and half-script (like a serial killer); and
3) I always forget to refill the ink reservoir for my antique dip and nib pen collection.
The elephant in the room, of course, is the moral dilemma: Am I obligated to donate to the charity just because I used their (un-asked for) return-address labels?
You might be interested to learn that I don’t feel guilty for using the return-address labels without actually sending money to the charity for three reasons:
1) People will get a letter from me with a “Save the Seals” return-address label and they’ll naturally assume that I support supporting the seals. And since I’m widely acknowledged as a trend-setter and an influencer, people might be more inclined to personally “Save a Seal” in the future, should the occasion arise (perhaps if one were visiting Sea World, for example). In fact, my endorsement of “Seal Saving” is probably worth a lot more than whatever donation they were hoping to get out of me in the first place. Quite frankly, free return-address labels are getting off pretty cheaply for an official endorsement from yours truly.
2) Not using the labels would be wasteful and an environmental travesty akin to seal killing. The labels have already been printed. They’ve already been mailed. The energy cost of manufacturing and shipping the labels has been incurred. Think of the huge carbon-footprint that’s affiliated with charity-provided free return-address labels. And now I’m supposed to spit in the environment’s face by chucking them in a landfill? No way.
3) Any charity that can afford to go off all willy-nilly printing free return-address labels for the whole world is so wasteful and poorly run that they probably don’t deserve my donation in the first-place. They might as well just take a stretch Hummer to a fancy black-tie award dinner celebrating their achievements in fundraising on behalf of the Seals, those frauds.
No, I think I’ll stick to my original plan of using the labels guilt-free and giving donations to local organizations that aren’t sophisticated enough to get in on the whole return-address label scam.
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You might be interested to learn that one of my favorite charities is My Brother’s Table located in Lynn, MA. With the economy tanking, cold weather threatening and Thanksgiving right around the corner, local soup kitchens like MBT will need our support more than ever. There are plenty of worthy charities to support, but what could be more important than feeding the hungry in your neighborhood today?
Plus, they never waste my donations on return-address labels.
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Can Hippies Teach Us How to Save Creative Content?
Let’s revisit the fascinating and frightening issue of the death of newspapers, record companies, broadcast television networks, etc.
The truth is that there’s probably more creative content available currently than at any time in the past. The problem isn’t with the content – the issue is that the old distribution and compensation models are broken. (I addressed this distinction here.) As a result, the distributors (record labels, etc.) no longer have a feasible business model and many creators are unsure as how to monetize their work.
And yet out of this uncertainly comes innovation. And some of that innovation is coming from the most unlikely of sources – a bunch of hippie musicians from Georgia known as The Black Crowes.
With the release of their latest album, “Before the Frost…Until the Freeze”, The Black Crowes have developed an intriguing blueprint for running their business outside of the traditional system. So, what are the key takeaways that we might be able apply to other businesses and creators?
1. Maintain creative control and ownership
The Crowes decided against signing with an established company in favor of creating their own label, Silver Arrow Records. While they have a sales and distribution deal with Megaforce/Sony Red BMG, they take the financial risks and reap the rewards for their creativity. As a result, they can produce the music that they want to, without having to worry about label approval. In the case of “Before the Frost…Until the Freeze” this translates into the Crowes pursuing a pure 1970s country-rock sound – something that has little to no mainstream commercial appeal in 2009.
2. “Crowdsource” production costs
Rather than rent a house or a traditional music studio, the Crowes recorded their new album live in front of their fans (about 200 per night) over the course of 5 weekend nights in February & March at Levon Helm’s studio barn. Fans in attendance were treated to a unique and intimate experience and their ticket fees covered the cost of recording. Even with a bootleg emerging from the first night, this unique recording approach created a lot of buzz and anticipation for the final product.
3. Provide free content and unexpected rewards
A month or so prior to releasing the album the Crowes posted a free download of the first single, “I Ain’t Hiding” on their website. No e-mail registration was required to get a free copy of the song.
Upon release, when consumers bought the CD they also received a code to download 9 more tunes from the sessions – an entire second album for free.
This is coming from a band that has previously given away a free live album just for signing up for their online live archive site (liveblackcrowes.com) and unexpectedly gave a pair of free tickets to the show of your choice in 2006 just for entering an online contest.
4. Give the consumer choice
“Before the Frost…Until the Freeze” was ultimately released in 3 formats that the consumer could choose from: a CD of the primary 11 track album called “Before the Frost” that also included the download code for the free second album, a double vinyl release that contained all 20 tracks in a different order (intentionally sequenced as a loose concept album) or an electronic download of all 20 tunes for $9.99 at iTunes. It was up to the consumer to choose which format suited their needs.
5. Build the Brand
The perpetually-touring Crowes featured up and coming band the Truth & Salvage Co. as the opening act for their Fall tour. Coincidentally, the Truth & Salvage Co. are the first band that has been signed to Silver Arrow and Crowes lead singer Chris Robinson is producing their debut album.
So how did it work?
The album debuted at #12 on the Billboard 200 and made it to #6 on iTunes. Plus, it’s an amazing record. Not bad for a bunch of hippies.
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For more essays on marketing, click here. For more essay on The Black Crowes and music, click here.
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Has the Time Come for Polygamy at Work?
Many years ago, I introduced a concept that took the virtual world by storm. My idea was profound yet simple. I called it “work wife” and it was a term to describe your best friend/lunch mate at the office. For many years I rode on the coattails of this glorious invention. It was the crowning achievement of my young life and I always assumed that it would become my epitaph.
But alas, my laizze-faire vetting process ultimately came back to bite me in my prodigious rear. By employing the popular tool known as ‘the google’ I discovered that I had not actually invented the term “work wife” (although I certainly did help to popularize its usage,) but some real writer at a real magazine might have. Daunted and broken, I returned to my drawing board in a vain attempt to come up with another great idea to claim as my own.
Still waiting for said glorious idea to materialize, I thought that in the meantime I would revisit the concept of “work wife” as I’m no longer sure that it even makes sense in today’s topsy-turvy world.
For you see, monogamy may work in the bedroom but I fear that it’s a loser in the boardroom. And I think that it’s time for us to move beyond our dated notions of male-male/male-female/female-female workplace couplings and consider open workplace marriages. I think it’s time for us to introduce a little polygamy into the office park.
Experience now tells me that workplace lunch groups should actually be comprised of threesomes (aka friendship circles) for the following reasons:
1. If your work wife is traveling or out sick you’ll still have someone to lunch with, avoiding the dreaded “I’ll just heat up a can of soup and surf the web at my desk” lunch;
2. If you’re tiffing with the work wife, the third person can act as a mediator – both objectively weighing the evidence and actively attempting to smooth over hurt feelings;
3. Work ménage-a-trois allow for more stimulating conversation and less repetition of stories;
4. Having a tie-breaker vote is valuable for picking lunch venues, especially if the spouses have different salad/sandwich shop preferences.
5. Having a third party is beneficial for securing short-term lunch loans when funds are running short and trips to the cash machine are not desired.
Yes, the more that I think of it, the happier I am that I never invented that stupid concept of work wife. Who needs to be tied down? Work man was born to be free and unattached (and yet still likes to have dependable lunchtime companions.)
Now the hard part for those of you in established long-term work relationships will be to introduce the back-up work wife without making your first work wife jealous. The worst thing would be for you to go through an ugly work separation/divorce before you lock-down your second wife. Then you’re back to reading sci-fi books alone in the food court.
Sympathy is your best play here. Once you identify the man or woman who you’d like to a fiancée, engineer a situation where you “impulsively” ask them to join you and the wife for a casual (no commitment) lunch. Or better yet, try to get your work wife to think that it was his/her idea. At lunch, make sure that you steer the conversation back to topics that your work wife will enjoy, thereby ensuring a positive experience. Repeat this process a few times until it starts becoming a regular thing. Before you know it, you’ve just doubled your lunch pleasure!
One final note of caution: be careful when you’re picking your second work wife. If he or she isn’t into swinging, then you’re taking a big, awkward risk. The last thing you need is to be branded as some freaky office lunch tramp.
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The Boston Sports Fan’s Guide to Choosing a Jersey
While traditionally reserved for children and actual pro athletes, we’ve watched with some interest over the last few years as the sports jersey has assumed an unanticipated level of acceptability in American adult wardrobes from coast to coast. Dare we suggest that the sports jersey has become somewhat fashionable?
In just two short weeks we’ll hit that special time of the year when all 4 major sports will be in full swing. During this magical period of sports-frenzy, you may find yourself tempted to take the plunge and purchase an officially-licensed team jersey. But before you do so, may we humbly suggest that you first review:
The Boston Sports Fan’s Guide to Choosing a Jersey
You see, the jersey you choose says a lot about you. Which sport? Which player? With so many exciting choices, what’s a fashionable fan to do?
A good starting point is to first pick a sport. While the natural temptation is to pick your favorite team, the truth is that you might not look so good in your favorite team’s jersey. The key, therefore, is to pick the sport that happens to feature the jersey that works best for your personal style.
Choosing Your Jersey
Basketball jerseys are really just fancied-up extra-long tank tops, providing all of the advantages and disadvantages of wearing a regular tank top: perfect in the hot weather but difficult in adverse climate conditions. It’s important to note that a real hoops fan does not wear an undershirt. Actually, a real hoops fan does wear an undershirt on most days… a dirty, ribbed wife beater with a crazy hat, that is. But during basketball jersey-wearing occasions one should never wear an undershirt, as the basketball jersey provides a can’t-miss opportunity to display the guns and/or ink. If your lack of bulging muscles or shamrock tattoos makes you feel insecure and tempts you to wear a tee-shirt under your basketball jersey, then you probably shouldn’t be wearing the basketball jersey anyway. Look, basketball is a winter sport with a summer-style outfit. You go all in and display the arms or you get out. End of story.
For those reticent to bare their arms, may we suggest something in a hockey sweater? Hockey sweaters are well-suited for winter wear. And since hockey players wear so much bulky equipment, the traditional hockey sweater is of gigantic proportions, amply sized for even the most substantial of men. One can easily fit a hoodie or two underneath the hockey sweater without any unsightly bulges, rendering the winter coat redundant. One can also safely hide several bottles of Crown Royale underneath their hockey jersey without raising an eyebrow from arena security. Some people think that hockey fans get a free pass from security (compared to basketball fans) due to their fear-inducing mullets. Not true! This is an unfair stereotype. Hockey fans get a free pass from arena security because most people assume that any modern hockey fan is actually Canadian and is therefore not a real threat – unless one foolishly points out that time has not been kind to the MacKenzie Brothers’ brand of humor and that Labatt’s is French for “Miller Genuine Draft.”
A safer choice may be the baseball jersey. Baseball is the only sport that still requires managers to wear the team uniform during the game. This is what we like to call a “case study,” as in, study how ridiculous that fat old man looks in his baseball uniform and you’ll understand your wife’s case against you wearing your sports jersey out in public. But seriously, the manager-in-uniform rule is an absurd throwback that has been kept in place for well over a hundred years due to the strong-arm tactics of the powerful stirrup-pants lobby. Manpris aside, the baseball jersey really is a handsome look that works well on many different body types. While it’s an athletic look, it’s also a flexible look, as one can wear the shirt un-buttoned as a top-shirt or buttoned in the traditional manner. Baseball has also cornered the market on the ¾ length sleeve tee shirts with the reverse-colored arms. That’s a snappy look as well. Obviously Abner Doubleday was quite the fashionista.
Last, but certainly not least, is the football jersey, which is as popular as it is garish, and goes exceedingly well with face paint. The problem with committing to a football jersey, however, is that the average football career only lasts about 12 games, so you always run the risk of having an anachronistic player name on your back. If you wish to avoid spending $100 on a number that’s now being worn by a scrubbini, it’s a smart play to choose a classic franchise player. We’re predicting the Mosi Tatupu #30 as this season’s must-have classic jersey.
Finishing Your Ensemble
Sports jerseys are best paired with sweatpants to perfect the illusion that you actually are a professional athlete. It’s a well-known fact that professional athletes always wear their team uniforms when waiting in line at the food court Chik-Fil-A and the sweatpants help to complete the look. However, please feel free to mix it up and pair your jersey with jeans or cammo cargo shorts if the mood strikes you.
A sports jersey can be worn in any circumstance, really, but home whites are probably best for daytime affairs and dark colored jerseys are best for formal occasions and funerals.
Some people think that you can’t mix-and-match sports apparel, but this is just a myth. In fact, the most daring fashionable sports attire look is simply called ‘The Trifecta’ and is pulled off by simultaneously wearing three separate items that represent three different sports. A handsome mix is the Patriots cap with a Celtics warm-up jacket over a Red Sox tee shirt. (Don’t worry – the Bruins can be covered via your custom license plate, conveniently available for purchase at the Tobin Bridge toll plaza.)
Final Thoughts
In summary, it’s important to recognize that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a grown man wearing a sports jersey (or mock-jersey for those on a budget) featuring the name of a professional athlete that’s half their age. And just like my pre-schooler, you too can gleefully exclaim, “that’s MY guy, Big Papi,” when David Ortiz strides to the plate during a Red Sox game.
Make it work, people!
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If you enjoy Boston-centric humor, then you’ll probably enjoy our guide to the MBTA and our guide to driving in Boston. Other mildly amusing humor essays can be found here.
Top 12 Gram Parsons’ Songs
The term “legend” is tossed around pretty carelessly these days. If you write a good book or win a few games the next thing you know you’re a legend. But in my estimation, a true legend is that rare individual that makes an indelible impression on our culture-at-large. Whether their gift is for art or science doesn’t really matter. What matters is that their work has an impact on our society that far transcends their life.
In the music world, Gram Parsons is one of those legends. In his short life he changed music forever. He was one of the earliest artists to wed country music traditions with rock and roll attitude and instrumentation, and in the process he elevated both genres. He was never famous but he was influential. During his life he was a huge influence on both The Byrds and The Rolling Stones, among many other bands. In death, he’s influenced countless artists, including my favorite band, The Black Crowes.
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Gram Parsons died on September 19, 1973 at the age of 26. His professional music career began eight years earlier when Gram was (briefly) a theology student at Harvard. In Boston he formed The International Submarine Band with John Nuese. Their only album, Safe at Home, is considered the first country-rock album, even though Gram never called his music country-rock. He preferred to think of it as Cosmic American music, a blend of country, gospel, soul, rock and the blues.
After the ISB went nowhere, Gram hooked up with Chris Hillman and The Byrds for their classic album Sweetheart of the Rodeo, hung out with Keith Richards and the Rolling Stones (he “gave” them ‘Country Honk’, they gave him ‘Wild Horses’), formed The Flying Burrito Brothers, recorded two solo albums (featuring a young Emmylou Harris) and died far too soon. Gram’s death was as tumultuous as his life, but you can read about that elsewhere.
Gram Parsons’ music is deceptively simple. At first listen it doesn’t sound like much. But his melodies, his voice and his words have a way of burrowing into your consciousness, demanding another listen.
Aside from some early demos, Gram played on just 6 studio albums (all which are well worth owning) and wrote a mere 35 or so original songs. And while some of his covers are amazingly beautiful, for the purposes of this Top 12 list we’ll only be including songs that Gram wrote. Now, you would think that it would be easy to pick a top 12 out of 35 songs, but it was actually incredibly difficult. As you can see from the song-by-song ratings (below), Gram literally did not write a bad song. He was that good.
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Gram Parsons’ Top 12 Songs (in chronological order):
1) 100 Years from Now (Sweetheart of the Rodeo): The archetypal country-rock song, it’s a great vehicle for The Byrds, with McGuinn’s and Hillman’s voices harmonizing wonderfully.
2) Hickory Wind (Sweetheart of the Rodeo/Grievous Angel): Both versions of this song are incredible. The gentle shuffle, the steel guitar, the layered vocals, it’s beautiful.
3) My Uncle (The Gilded Palace of Sin): Hillman’s mandolin drives this fun, bouncy tale about heading to Vancouver to dodge the draft.
4) Wheels (The Gilded Palace of Sin): I’m always a sucker for that fuzzbox guitar sound, but throw in a little roadhouse piano and some great harmonies and you’ve got a winner.
5) Hot Burrito # 1 (The Gilded Palace of Sin): While Chris Ethridge’s bass line is monstrous on this tune, its Gram’s powerful and emotional vocals that turn it into a masterpiece.
6) Hot Burrito #2 (The Gilded Palace of Sin): Featuring that trippy, fuzzbox guitar again (Hey, it’s 1969!) HB#2 is a great psychedelic rocker.
7) A Song for You (GP): Gram’s strong religious faith was a driving force in his life and he was never afraid to express his beliefs through song.
She (GP): A testament to the power of true love, She features one of Gram’s most powerful vocal performances.
9) Return of the Grievous Angel (Grievous Angel): In addition to the strong vocals, Grievous Angel is compelling because of its complex compositional structure.
10) Brass Buttons (Grievous Angel): Perhaps my favorite GP song of all time, Brass Buttons is a tragic song about Gram’s mother. The lines: “and the sun comes up without her/it just doesn’t know she’s gone/ooh, but I remember everything she said” may be the saddest lyrics ever writer.
11) $1000 Wedding (Grievous Angel): In yet another tragic tale, Gram’s restrained performance gives the song weight, depth and sincerity. By the way, if you listen to the demo version, it’s clear that the bride ‘passed away’.
12) In My Hour of Darkness: (Grievous Angel): A tale of two young men that died before their time, this tune is both beautiful (due to Gram’s harmonies with Emmylou) and haunting – a fitting coda to Gram’s short, sweet life.
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Gram Parsons Album-by-Album Song Ratings
(Ratings scale: 1 = poor; 2 = average; 3 = good; 4 = great)
The International Submarine Band: Safe at Home
Blue Eyes: 3
Luxury Liner: 4
Strong Boy: 3
Do You Know How It Feels: 4
Average Score: 3.5
The Byrds: Sweetheart of the Rodeo
100 Years From Now: 4
Hickory Wind: 4
Lazy Days: 3
Average Score: 3.7
The Flying Burrito Brothers: The Gilded Palace of Sin
Christine’s Tune: 3
Sin City: 4
My Uncle: 4
Wheels: 4
Juanita: 4
Hot Burrito #1: 4
Hot Burrito #2: 4
Do You Know How It Feels: 4
Hippie Boy: 3
Average Score: 3.8
The Flying Burrito Brothers: Burrito Deluxe
Lazy Days: 3
High Fashion Queen: 3
Man in the Fog: 3
Older Guys: 3
Cody, Cody: 4
Down in the Churchyard: 3
Average Score: 3.2
Gram Parsons: GP
Still Feeling Blue: 3
A Song For You: 4
She: 4
The New Soft Shoe: 4
Kiss the Children: 3
How Much I’ve Lied: 3
Big Mouth Blues: 3
Average Score: 3.4
Gram Parsons: Grievous Angel
Return of the Grievous Angel: 4
Brass Buttons: 4
$1000 Wedding: 4
Ooh Las Vegas: 4
Hickory Wind: 4
In My Hour of Darkness: 4
Average Score: 4
Overall ‘Gram Parsons Originals’ Average: 3.6
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Help Make Competitive Sleeping an Olympic Event!
If you’re like me, one of your biggest regrets in life is that you never made it as an Olympic athlete. And even though you stink at sports, find the Olympics kind of boring and are afraid of angry old Romanian men, nothing can stop the dream of standing on the ceremonial riser, collecting a gold medal and making an awesome movie/double album with the Village People.
But rather than mope around and dwell on things that could’ve been, I’m going to steal a page from our friends to the North to help ensure that future generations of husky, unathletic Americans have a chance to succeed where I’ve failed.
As you’ll recall, the Canadians, sad from years of not winning many medals, solved their own problem in 1988 by inventing a “sport” called “curling”. And while that bizarre hybrid of ice hockey and housework might not have been the best game ever created, it got the job done: the Canadians won lots of medals and their national pride was restored.
Now all I needed was to come up with a sport that I could personally dominate. After eliminating all activities that involved balls, running or coordination it hit me:
Competitive Sleeping
It’s literally a dream come true! You see, while everyone sleeps, some of us are just better at it than others. I, for one, am a rock star sleeper that can easily put up 12 hours without batting an eye.
The best part is that I’ve already figured out the first 5 events:
Hibernation: Who can sleep the longest, uninterrupted stretch? You better build up some serious bladder strength if you want to go the distance!
Mommy, Help!: Only moms of newborns are eligible to compete in this nerve-wracking event, where we pipe in the sound of crying babies to see who wakes first!
Morning Joe (brewed by Starbucks): Who can fall asleep first after chugging a shot of espresso? In this exciting elimination battle we add another shot of caffeine each round!
Noise Pollution: Sure, sleeping through the classical music phase of “noise pollution” might be easy – but only the real pros can slumber soundly through speed metal.
Bed-doin’: Sleeping on a comfy mattress is easy, but can you handle a cold cement floor? How about a stained futon in a dorm room? This event mixes up the sleeping surfaces to see who’s got the most game.
The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I’m barely scratching the surface here. We haven’t even talked about pillows, thread-count, darkness, bad bedmates, etc. There are infinite variations that we could explore in the field of competitive sleeping.
With enough support I think we can even fast-track this event and get it approved in time for the 2016 Olympics in Chicago. Who’s with me?
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