As a child I always figured that I’d grow up, work for a few months, save up a couple thousand bucks, tell everybody to screw off and then live off the land and my sweet bankroll for the rest of my years.  Now this might sound like some crazy freegan delusion, but believe you me, this was no fantasy.  I had it all worked out.  No way was The Man going to make me join his evil rat race.

And yet…here I am, lo these many years later, still working and hardly ever telling anyone to screw off.  What happened?

Let me tell you what happened.  You see, as the years went by I discovered that there are certain things in life that you can’t live without once you start living with them.  And once you start “needing” things then it’s a slippery slope right into The Man’s clutches.

So what are these evil things that I can’t live without?  Well, I’m glad you asked!

The Dishwasher

One of the first luxuries that apartment dwellers fall for is the dishwasher.  After years of manually scrubbing, rinsing, drying and putting away the dishes finally a machine promises to automate everything (except for the scrubbing, rinsing and the putting away parts.)

Come to think of it, dishwashers suck and I’ve never met one that actually does a good job.  Plus, it takes a small nuclear generator and 3 hours to do a job that previously took 10 minutes. I’d get rid of the dishwasher in a second if it wasn’t for the substantial ego boost that I receive as a result of my Tetris-like gift for squeezing another meal’s worth of dishes into an already full machine.

Air Conditioning

Where I live, near the water, the houses are old and A/C is not a common feature.  Realtors always tell new home buyers that they don’t need A/C on the coast because of the sea breezes.  That is a lie.  What they meant to say was, “when you are sweltering in the summer heat it will definitely smell like fish when you open your windows in a desperate attempt to catch the mythical sea breeze.”

Please note that it is consider impolite to brag about having A/C in the company of your A/C-less neighbors and they will probably not be overly sympathetic when you complain about having a summer cold “because the A/C was set too low.”

Leather Belts

For my entire childhood I used a humble length of cord to hold up my britches – I honestly never knew there was an alternative.   Well, imagine my surprise when I moved to the big city and discovered that fancy folks were using leather straps with holes in them to suspend their trousers!  And the buckles were so beautiful!  Well, ever since that day I’ve spent a substantial portion of my fortune collecting belts and/or buckles.

Automatic Transmissions

People don’t watch black and white TV anymore because someone invented color television.  People don’t have to read Dostoevsky anymore because someone (presumably Cliff) invented Cliff’s Notes.  And yet when it comes to cars people still like to pretend that standard transmissions are somehow superior to automatic transmissions.

Let me get this straight: you want me to have to use a clutch, change gears every 5 seconds and have a minor heart attack every time I park on a hill, even though they figured out how to make the robot do all of those things for me?  Really?  You say things like “I have more control” and “it’s more fun” but I have TWO FREE HANDS for texting and road raging while you have none.  So who’s really having more fun on the roads?

Well, I’m sure there are more examples but I can’t think of any right now because The Man has also ruined my attention span with his stupid internet.  What are the things that you can’t live without?

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At this juncture in history I think that it’s important that we all acknowledge that Led Zeppelin is the greatest band in rock and roll history and there will never be another band that comes close to the greatness of Led Zeppelin.  They are the alpha and the omega of rock and roll.

Now, please don’t misinterpret this irrefutable fact.  I did not say that Led Zeppelin is my favorite band.  I did not say that they are the best songwriters in the history of rock and roll.  I just said that they are the greatest band in rock and roll history.  Here’s why:

Led Zeppelin is the greatest band in rock and roll history because each member of the band is the most valuable player in rock and roll history on their respective instrument AND the sum of the parts exceeds their individual contributions.

Robert Plant is the greatest vocalist in rock and roll history.  He is also an excellent harmonica player.  I can’t think of anyone who even comes close to Plant.  Maybe Rod Stewart in his prime? 

Jimmy Page is the greatest guitar player in rock and roll history.  He also produced all of their records.  Sure, I love Clapton, Beck, Hendrix and the old blues masters, but who else has the range of Page?  He delivers the crunching chords as well as the heart-wrenching solos.  Page is like Keith Richards and Mick Taylor combined into one player.

John Bonham is the greatest drummer in rock and roll history.  Sure, Ringo Starr and Charlie Watts are amazingly talented drummers.  Keith Moon was a monster.  But Bonham beats them all.  I get physically tired just listening to him play.

John Paul Jones is the greatest bassist in rock and roll history.  He is also a great keyboard player.  JPJ never gets enough credit but his work is stellar.

Led Zeppelin’s first seven albums are perfect.  Sure, the songs are overplayed but can you think of another band that went 7 for 7?  (Yes, In Through The Out Door kind of sucks, but it’s certainly better than most albums released by classic rock bands in 1980.  And Coda doesn’t count as a real album.)

Led Zeppelin also gave the world the insanely entertaining film The Song Remains the Same.  Each time I watch it I am amazed that someone greenlighted the concept.  It’s a concert film!  It’s an art film!  It’s a film about people making tea, talking funny-style English, racing cars and roaming the countryside with devil eyes!

That said, does anyone remember laughter?

Led Zeppelin also had the good sense to call it quits after Bonzo died, keeping their legacy intact.  Sure, it was mean of Page and Plant to reunite without JPJ, but how sweet is it that they really believed that there couldn’t be a Zeppelin without Bonham?  Plus the initial Page-Plant reunion project, The Honeydrippers, was super cool and provided us with our wedding song (“Sea of Love”).

The only bad thing that can be said about Led Zeppelin is maybe, just maybe they had a tiny problem with pinching tunes from the old blues masters.  Now, on the one hand, plagiarism is a bad thing and the courts seemed to agree that Jimmy might have lifted some riffs.  On the other hand, the blues is a traditional form of music and building upon songs from the past is a part of the tradition.  If you don’t believe me, you might want to give Bob Dylan’s Love and Theft a spin.

 So there you have it – my completely unnecessary defense of Led Zeppelin’s legacy.  I will now retire to my bedroom to stare at my blacklight hermit poster and draw runes on my Trapper Keeper.

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While the rest of you are wasting time making personal improvement resolutions, I’m kicking off 2010 by coming up with new and exciting schemes for securing global fame and fortune.

I’m thinking that inventing this year’s hot new sandwich might be a good angle. 

It seems like each and every year a new sandwich takes America by storm and what could possibly be easier than: 1) inventing a delicious sandwich that’s never been thought of before, 2) opening a restaurant that sells the aforementioned sandwich, 3) garnering many positive reviews in the media and creating an insatiable demand, 4) franchising the whole operation and 5) retiring on a houseboat with all of my delectable sandwich money?

Last year’s big sandwich was the Vietnamese concoction known as the Bahn Mi.  A bahn mi is a baguette filled with pickled carrots and radishes, cilantro, cucumbers, mayo, and literally anything else that can be jammed into the bread: meat, eggs, old newspapers, whatever.  Now, that may sound disgusting, but the Bahn Mi was the perfect sandwich for the recession year of 2009: it’s super-cheap and it has a cool name (bahn mi means ‘bread’ in Vietnamese.  Methinks that “bread sandwich” is somewhat less catchy than “bahn mi”.)

So there are the first two pieces of the puzzle: our new sandwich for 2010 needs to be cheap and it needs a cool name.

In Boston we have the truly awesome chacarero sandwich, which is allegedly a traditional Chilean sandwich.  (I say allegedly because no one has ever been to Chile to confirm its provenance, or for that matter, to confirm that Chile really exists.)  The chacarero features homemade bread (kind of a cross between a roll and a pita), green beans, avocado, tomatoes, muenster cheese, hot sauce and either beef or chicken (or both).  The chacarero is very popular and commands impossibly long lines at lunchtime.

Studying the Chacarero gives us two more secrets for creating the perfect sandwich: the crucial role of good bread and the need for a mysterious origin/backstory.

Many of you may be familiar with the wrap sandwich.  While tasty, the wrap sandwich represents cultural imperialism of the worst kind.  You see, the wrap is nothing more than a bastardized burrito.  A good burrito is a wonderful thing – the perfect lunch that’s just big enough to ruin dinner and set you up for a night of early dessert gorging.  But the reason that the wrap will never be cool is because people seek authenticity, and there’s nothing authentic about a burrito made out of tuna fish.  Our perfect sandwich will most assuredly be authentic.

Finally, we must also remember to include bacon.  “Vegetarian’s kryptonite” as I like to call it – bacon is the perfect food.  The problem with bacon, of course, is that everyone knows that it’s bad for you.  As a result, people feel guilty when adding it onto their sandwiches.  Our challenge is to include bacon on our sandwich without making people feel guilty about ordering it.

So there you have it.  The big idea sandwich for 2010 needs to:

1)      Be cheap ($5 maximum)

2)      Have a cool name (i.e. not English)

3)      Feature good bread (no seeds or oats or grains or weird shit)

4)      Possess a mysterious backstory (think J. Peterman)

5)      Be authentic

6)      Include bacon (but not that fake Canadian stuff)

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Introducing…The Chazer Mekheye

In ancient times, a small but forgotten tribe of Jews, known only as the Hogakanazi, fought the rabbinical authority and refused to consider the world’s most delicious animal, the pig, as treif (or non-kosher).  These brave Jews spent thousands of years in hiding, honing and refining the perfect sandwich – known only as the Chazer Mekheye – as a symbol of their devotion and solidarity.

The dying wish of the last of the Hogakanazis was to finally share this incredible sandwich with the rest of the world.  The secret of the Chazer Mekheye was entrusted to just one man – me – and now I will share the fruit of the Hogakanazis with you.  In 2010 I invite you to experience this nearly-forgotten culinary delicacy.

Each Chazer Mekheye is lovingly hand-crafted on our unique artisan Hogakanzi bacon-infused bagel, with a dab of horseradish mayonnaise, crisp leaf lettuce, vine-ripened tomato, Vidalia onion and your choice of beef, chicken or combo.  All for just $5.

The Chazer Mekheye.  It’s so good you might just plotz.

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With the Christmas season upon us, I once again find myself pondering the big theological question that’s on everyone’s mind:

Who’s the worst Christmas villain?

First, let’s start with the obvious choices.

The Grinch was clearly a bad dude. He terrorized Whoville, abused his dog Max, stole all the presents and decorations and foisted a shitty Halloween sequel on us (“Halloween is Grinch Night”). Then again, was it really his fault? The Grinch had a congenital heart defect (you try living with a heart that’s two sizes too small) and he rehabilitated himself, without any help from Dr. Drew or the Scientologists. If anything the Grinch is a Christmas hero, not a villain.

Ebenezer Scrooge is the other most famous Christmas jerk, but was he really all that bad? Scrooge was a small business owner – no different than your average Joe the Plumber – during the worst recession since the Dark Ages and he still gave that slacker Cratchit a full day off with pay to celebrate Christmas. And how does Cratchit thank Scrooge for his generosity? By whining about not getting a half-day on Christmas Eve! Poor Scrooge was so upset that he went home, smoked a little Jacob Marley (obviously laced with PCP), had a few bad hallucinations, woke up and started giving away turkeys like there was no tomorrow. In other words, Scrooge was another genuine Christmas hero.

So let’s talk about some real Christmas villains.

Donner was one of the most famous reindeers on Santa’s varsity sled team. He was also a vicious child abuser who treated his son, Rudolph, with open contempt. He berated his son and made him cover his beautiful red nose but was all too happy to take credit when Rudolph saved Christmas. Now that asshole was a real Christmas villain.

Charlie Brown might be the worst of the bunch. While we’re never clear whether he’s been treated for his clinical depression or not, Charlie makes it his mission in life to ruin Christmas for everyone, including his amazing dog. Sorry, Charlie, but it’s not our fault that you’re a friendless loser. Being alone and sad on Christmas isn’t enough for Charlie, though. Charlie must take revenge on everyone and everything by constantly railing against presents, decorations and entertaining stage shows. Now that’s one little rage-filled communist that the government should definitely keep an eye out for.

So, who’s the biggest Christmas villain on your list this year?

(Note: Joe Lieberman doesn’t count.)

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Someone’s got to fix this situation. Pronto.

For a while there it seemed like the fist bump was going to take over as the world’s go-to physical greeting gesture. Sleek, efficient and powerful, the fist bump (also known as the ‘terrorist fist jab’) was riding the crest of an incredible wave back in 2008. When Barack gave Michelle that little jab on election night we all experienced the incredible power of the fist bump first hand. And once the swine flu hysteria spread I figured that the hypo-allergenic fist bump would displace handshaking once and for all.

But lately it seems like the fist bump is losing a little steam and now I’m utterly confused as to how to properly greet people. When I see acquaintances I end up doing some kind of weird Kabuki dance, thrusting out fists and palms randomly, never quite knowing what to do. It’s awful.

Let’s review the other options:

1) The Traditional Handshake. Your safest bet is to stick out your right hand and go for the traditional handshake. Everyone has seen it before and most people know how to execute it properly. The downside is that some people have clammy hands and once you shake a clammy hand your own hand feels weird and tainted for the rest of the day. Also, the traditional handshake may be viewed as being excessively formal and some people may feel slighted by not getting a more friendly or casual gesture.

2) The High-5. Outside of sporting events, the high-5 has really fallen on hard times. I suspect that this is because the high-5 is a surprisingly advanced maneuver and there’s nothing more embarrassing than a missed high-5. Look, these are dangerous times we’re living in and people just don’t want to take the risk of mis-firing a high-5 in public. Here’s the secret to a perfect high-5: the initiator needs to offer up the high-5 palm and hold steady. DON’T MOVE THAT HAND! When the initiator moves the hand is when the high-5 breaks down.

3) The bro-hug. A bro-hug is when you clasp half-twisted right hands (fingers on top) and bring the left arm around for a loose hug. The (oxymoronic) key to the bro-hug is that you can only bro-hug someone that you’ve previously bro-hugged with. Bro-hugs have to be pre-arranged or assumed. NEVER SNEAK ATTACK A BRO-HUG! If you’re not expecting it, the bro-hug is awkward and very uncomfortable. The one exception is if you’re at a Dead (excuse me, a Furthur) show – then please feel free to bro-hug away, my patchouli-wearing, dreadlocked, unshowered friend!

4) The full hug. I’ve discussed this in the past. Full hugs are exclusively for people that are related or intoxicated. No exceptions.

That’s really it. In order of intimacy and difficulty we’re looking at fist bump, handshake, high-5, bro-hug and full hug. And given those choices, I’m going to have to go with…

The gladiator handshake!

Whatever happened to that bad-ass move? The gladiator handshake, for those of you not in the know, is when you grab opposite wrists. It’s like an extreme handshake. It’s easy to execute, it’s cool and it’s super-macho. Plus, I can probably filch your watch if you’re not paying close enough attention.

Best of luck ’greeting’ this holiday season.

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Thanks as always for reading. Other humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your friends (just the non-clammy ones) to stop by.

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Some people like film. Other people like fine art. I like concerts. There’s something about the live music experience that is pure magic. It doesn’t even really matter if the band is good or bad – as long as they’re playing rock and roll and they’re putting their hearts into it.

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of shows. I always catch my favorites when they hit New England and I try to see as many of the “legends” as I can. So here’s my list of Top 10 concerts. To avoid the inevitable Black Crowes clutter, I’ve actually made two lists: my top 10 concerts and my top 10 Black Crowes concerts. After my picks, old friend Kenny B has graciously provided his list as well.

Mitch’s Top 10 Concerts (in chronological order)

Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Great Woods, Mansfield, MA 9/20/1986
It was my first real boy concert (I had previously seen John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band at Six Flags/Great Adventure – they were pretty awesome and I stayed for the late show, by the way) and Neil truly delivered. We walked in during “Like a Hurricane” and for the next two hours the band literally blew us away. (Get it? Hurricane = blew away. Ha!)

Grateful Dead, Worcester Centrum, Worcester, MA 4/8/1988
My first Dead show and the only one while Brent was still alive. In retrospect the show itself was good not great (Jerry’s voice was rough, but no complaints about the “Jack Straw” opener and “Black Muddy River” encore), but it was still an amazing experience for a 16 year old. My parents made me attend a USY sleepover trip to the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” in exchange for seeing the Dead. Do you want to guess which show was more fun? (Listen to the show here!)

Hall & Oates, Palace Theatre, Albany, NY 2/14/1991
My college girlfriend and I had our first “official” date on Valentine’s Day at an amazing acoustic performance by the underappreciated duo from Philly. I guess it worked – we’re still together 18+ years later. Daryl & John strike again!

R.E.M., Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY 6/20/1995
It was the perfect timing to see R.E.M. live, as they were supporting their excellent rock album Monster and Billy Berry was still in the band. I’m not sure if I need to see them again, but we really dug that show.

The Artist (Prince), FleetCenter, Boston, MA 7/25/1997
Say what you will about Prince, but he is an incredible performer. He sang, he danced, he shredded and he threw a hell of a party. The only thing missing was Morris Day.

Tom Waits, Orpheum Theatre, Boston, 9/21/1999
It was a dream come true: one of my favorite artists – who rarely tours – hit Boston and took us on a trip through his fertile imagination. I’m not even sure if it was a concert – it was more like musical performance art. He was part carnival barker, part spoken word poet, part musician and altogether amazing. I’d go see Tom again anywhere, anytime.

Jimmy Page & the Black Crowes, Worcester Centrum, Worcester, MA 10/16/1999
I couldn’t believe the news when I heard that my favorite band would be playing a Led Zeppelin show with Pagey himself. It was an incredible experience, capped off with a sit-in by Aerosmith’s Joe Perry. I still can’t believe this show happened. If you don’t own a copy of Live at the Greek (the double CD from the show in LA), then you’re missing out on one of the best collaborations in music history.

Phil Lesh & Friends featuring Chris Robinson, Agannis Arena, Boston, MA 12/1/2005
When C-Rob first hooked up with Phil for the 3 show cycle in December of 2004 I knew it was an inspired pairing – Robinson’s singing, harp playing and stage presence plus Phil’s musical genius and the Dead songbook – how could you beat that combination? This is probably my #1 show of all time. The Dolphins! Ruben & Cherise! (Listen to the show here!)

Boz Scaggs, Bank of America Pavilion, Boston, MA 8/17/2006
My wife and I were so excited to see Boz for the first time that we brought the ruckus to the Pavilion that night. The septuagenarians wanted to chill out, but our section ended up rocking out - thanks to us (until security intervened) You know that Slim appreciated the energy, though. (Review)

Ryan Adams & the Cardinals, Orpheum Theatre, Boston, MA 2/21/2009
Boy, I wish I got on board with the Cardinals earlier. At least we were able to catch their last show in Boston before Ryan’s retirement. Adams and Neal Casal in the same band, playing their inspired brand of jammy country-rock, is a special thing indeed. (Listen to the show here!) (Review)

Mitch’s Top 10 Black Crowes Concerts (in chronological order)

Saratoga Winners, Cohoes, NY, 11/29/1990
We both loved Shake Your Money Maker, so when Longhair and I heard that the Crowes were playing a tiny barn just north of Albany we had to make the trip. They were young, sloppy and playing off of a small setlist, but it was obvious that they had the chops. I can still remember details of the show vividly almost 20 years later.

Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY, 2/5/1991
Opening up for ZZ Top (before they got kicked off the tour) it was great to see how much the Crowes had progressed in just 3 short months. I remember hearing the long “Shake ‘Em On Down”>”Get Back” jam and thinking that they were definitely starting to stretch things out. ZZ Top, while solid and professional, seemed a little too slick by comparison. I think I still have a bad VHS copy of this show somewhere.

H.O.R.D.E., SPAC, Saratoga, NY 8/13/1995
When the Crowes were headlining H.O.R.D.E. at SPAC, just four days after Jerry died, they were a very different band than they were in the early ‘90s. They achieved lift-off on “My Morning Song”. It was transcendent. They were playing on another level. No other band at that festival could even come close to them.

Orpheum Theatre, Boston, MA 10/26/1996
There were a lot of shows for us at the good old Orpheum and 10/26/96 was a real barn-burner, full of treats from 3 Snakes. If you were there, you’ll remember the crazy energy in that room. They were peaking and the loyal Amoricans were happy to go along for the ride. Triple encore!

Furthur Festival, Great Woods, Mansfield, MA, 7/1/1997
It was a long day in the sun at Furthur. There was a lot of acoustic rock in the afternoon (Bob/Rob RatDog, Arlo Guthrie) and by the time the Crowes hit the stage late it was like a slap in the face. They played a blistering hour-long set, with lots of bluesy nuggets like “Shake Your Money Maker”, “Spider in the Sugar Bowl Blues” and “Crow Black Chicken”, plus amazing originals like “Wiser”>”Ballad”, “How Much for Your Wings?” and “Another Roadside Tragedy”, plus a cover of Keef’s “Happy”. This show clearly illustrated the divide between the Deadheads and the Amoricans (the Crowes were far too heavy for many of the ‘heads) but by the time the night ended, with the all-star jam on “Not Fade Away” and “Knockin’ on Heavens Door”, we were all joined together, grinnin’ and spent. (Note: this marathon show is why my wife doesn’t do hippie festivals anymore!)

Orpheum Theatre, Boston, MA 2/23/1999
While the Audley Freed era isn’t my favorite Crowes period, there’s still plenty of good music to be found under that sweet ‘fro. This show was our last before we had kids and the Crowes went on hiatus. We were treated to a first-time “(Only) Halfway to Everywhere” and a loud, fast, fun show that delivered a “No Speak, No Slave” prior to a triple encore. Plus, we were practically sitting on the stage for this one.

Hammerstein Ballroom, NY, NY 3/26/2005
When the reunion was announced I immediately bought tickets, not “realizing” that the show was in NYC the night before Easter. Good thing that I’m a Jew and my wife is sweet on me. I could have died happily when “Cursed Diamond” kicked off the show. The only black mark was that this show occured before Gorman came back. I always knew that Gorman was a great drummer, but I didn’t realize just how important he was to the band until he wasn’t there. Never leave us again, Steve!

Somerville Theatre, Somerville, MA 3/5/2008
After they announced the one-night only Warpaint launch shows I knew that I wanted to go in blind. What an experience it was to hear their first new album in 7 years live in a movie theater! Sure, we had to get single tickets, but it was well worth it. In addition to hearing the excellent Warpaint tunes, we were treated to a few nice covers, including a perfect rendition of Clapton’s “Don’t Know Why”. (Review)

The Opera House, Boston, MA 10/17/2008
This was the show where Luther Dickinson really won me over. Beautiful venue, great setlist, everything was perfect. Just a perfect, perfect show. That “Bring On, Bring On” was astoundingly beautiful. It was another great night in Boston. (Review)

Bank of America Pavilion, Boston, MA 8/27/09
The tour to support Before the Frost….Until the Freeze started a few days before the record was released, so again I got the opportunity to hear a bunch of new tunes played live for the first time. And as much as I love the new material, it was the kick-ass version of “Sometimes Salvation” that sent me home with a big smile. (Review)

Kenny B’s Top 10 Concerts (in descending order from #10 to #1)

Jackson Browne, Sedona, AZ 10/5/1996 (solo, benefit for Native American School)
This was just one of those spectacular fall days in Arizona and the music was a perfect complement to the red rocks that surrounded the stage. It could have been Raffi playing “The Wheels on the Bus” and it still would have been a great day.

Rolling Stones, Rose Bowl, Pasadena, CA 10/21/1994 (Voodoo Lounge tour)
Seeing the Stones live had been a dream of mine since I was 13 and I started listening to Beggar’s Banquet on my friend’s father’s turntable. They were great. Mick’s voice was above average, but it was their energy that really made the show great.

Grateful Dead, Compton Terrace, Chandler, AZ 12/5/1992
I hate to repeat praise, but outdoor, afternoon concerts in Arizona (unless it happens to be between March 1 and September 30) are just spectacular. This one featured the completely unexpected “Here Comes Sunshine” which hadn’t been played since 1974 and a guy in a big, yellow ultralight (those little flying mopeds) circling overhead. Bobby said “Jerry says it looks like a Texas dragonfly.”  Why Jerry couldn’t have told us that himself remains a mystery…well, probably not such a mystery when you think about it. (Listen to the show here!)

Eric Clapton, America West Arena, Phoenix, AZ 3/11/1994 (From the Cradle tour)
This was Clapton in his comfort zone. White painters pants and a white t-shirt blowing everyone away with old school blues.

Neil Young, Desert Sky Pavillion, Phoenix, AZ 9/27/1992 (solo tour)
I love acoustic Neil Young! Okay, I’m pretty much a fan of all things Neil Young (except that disastrous Shocking Pinks album), I even like the album he did with the Blue Notes and no one liked that one (based on the things people were yelling at him when he ended his show at Great Woods in the summer in 1989.) Give me Neil acoustic anytime. He was phenomenal. I am usually not a fan of the pavilion shows (Tweeter Center…er, Comcast Center) but I had third row seats, so I had that going for me too, which is nice.

U2, Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe, AZ 10/24/1992
This concert happened to also be my first date with a lovely young lady I had been looking to court for some time, and who naturally dumped me a couple months later. But like the romances of my early twenties, my relationship with U2 was equally as fleeting. I loved the show, I liked the girl. When we were together, it was magical. After a couple of months the newness wore off and I’ve never seen either one of them again. But it was fun while it lasted and it was a time I’ll never forget.

Aerosmith, Compton Terrace, Chandler, AZ 7/29/1993 (Get a Grip tour)
I saw Aerosmith only twice, but I’ve heard lots of live stuff from them. I’ve never heard Tyler sound like he did this night though. He hit every single high note and scream with precision and authority. And the boys rocked it hard. It was, as previously mentioned however, July in Arizona so was just a tad on the warm side. And don’t give me that “it’s a dry heat” crap. Stick your face in a hot oven for about two hours. That’s dry too!

Grateful Dead, Silverbowl, Las Vegas, NV 5/29/1992 (Steve Miller opened)
A great “1/2 Step” to open the show and a solid first set. Just as the second set was opening to a great “China/Rider” the sky behind the stage began to turn into one of those crazy summer storms that you only see in those touristy pamphlets you find at rest stops. As the first few notes of “Looks Like Rain” began, the thunder began to quietly roll and a couple of lightning bolts crashed down way off in the distance. And just when Bobby starts screaming “I can’t stand the rain! I can’t stand it no!” as Jerry’s guitar poured the raindrops down, the thunder became louder and the lightning was brighter. Some claim it was Mickey playing around on the percussion, some claim it was God. I don’t know which is true, but it was awesome! (Listen to the show here!)

Pearl Jam, Mesa Amphitheater, Mesa, AZ 11/7/1992
It took me a while to accept grunge. I thought Kurt Cobain was a punk and that his angst was just a gimmick. But when Pearl Jam’s debut album, Ten, came out I loved it. It wasn’t my crowd, I was more attracted to a Dead show than the mosh pit scene, but I still had to see these guys. They did not disappoint! Everyone in the band is a great musician on his own, but it was Vedder’s voice that absolutely captivated. His emotions were real – you could feel it in every note. The crowd favorite “Black” was the highest of the highlights. As a side note, I then went back to listen a little more closely at Nirvana and began to appreciate them a little more. Pearl Jam was still #1, but Nirvana was okay in my book too. Cobain later proved that my theory about his gimmicky angst was very, very wrong. RIP, Kurt.

Jerry Garcia Band, Warfield Theater, San Francisco, CA 1/14/1995
I had gone up to San Francisco with a couple of friends for 3-nights of Jerry at the Warfield. The Friday night show (1/13/95) was good with a couple of highlights. Actually, the whole weekend was good with a couple of highlights each night. But the crown jewel of the run came to open the second set on Saturday night. A 27-minute version of “Shining Star” (the 70’s hit by The Manhattans). Somewhere in the middle Jerry was just leading the crowd with a quick note on the guitar every bar or so as we all sang to him “You are my shining star, don’t you go away! I want to be right here where you are, till my dying day!” In hindsight, it seems sort of prophetic.

So what are your personal favorite shows? Please feel free to share them in the comments.

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Thanks as always for reading. Humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your show buddies (just the cool ones) to stop by.

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When I first contemplated taking the National Blog Posting Month challenge I figured that it would be much easier than taking the Slim Fast challenge or the Pepsi challenge. And it was. Because blogging is fun AND easy.

So, here we are, 30 days later. Let’s recap the month one last time (by category):

Music Essays

It takes me longer to write music essays than humor essays and as a result of the daily NaBloPoMo schedule I only managed to write 3 music essays this month. But all three were rock solid (get it? “rock” solid!)

The Curious Case of a Band Called Ambrosia, the World’s Only Three-Hit Wonder discusses the weird fact that Ambrosia produced 3x one-hit wonder songs. I still believe that they’re the only band to accomplish such a rare feat.

Album Review: Mark Karan’s “Walk Through the Fire” (2009) attempts to highlight what is perhaps the greatest solo album to come out of the Dead family.

I Hate, John Mayer! discusses the ambivalence (or Mayer-bivalence as I like to call it) that we all feel about Mr. John Mayer.

Original Humor Essays

The train is my muse – or at least it gives me some free time to write silly essays. NaBloPoMo inspired me to tackle some of my favorite subjects and I wrote 12 all-new humor essays this month.

Hey James Beard, what’s with all of the Awards? talks about the endless awards that TV chefs seem to crow about.

Magnum, P.I.’s Short Shorts and the Golden Age of Television talks about my love of cheesy ‘80s TV mysteries and Magnum’s penchant for wearing Daisy Dukes.

Can We Just Give Hawaii and Alaska Back Already? is my argument against non-contiguous states.

The Red Sox Fan’s Guide to Delivering Snappy Responses to Yankees Fans if (when) the Yankees win the World Series was my only way to fight back against the dreaded Stankees winning the World Series.

Will the World Finally Come to an End Already? talks about the many predictions of ‘the end of the world’ that we’ve survived and debunks the 2012 hysteria.

Are We Really Still Bothering With NASA? allows me to rail against the waste of money that is space travel.

I know Your Secret, Crappy New York Diners allows me to rail against the waste of money that is (Greek) diners in NY.

Posts That Could Have or Shouldn’t Have Been allowed me to get out some half-baked ideas, including the popular new game, ‘Gay or British?”

A Handy Little Guide to Choosing the Perfect Place to Stay When Traveling Away from Home explains my love for boutique hotels.

Jets, Rails & Cars: A Handy Little Guide to Choosing the Perfect Mode of Transportation When Traveling Away from Home (not legally affiliated with Planes, Trains & Automobiles) explains my hatred of traveling outside of Greater Boston.

Having a Fine Time Doing Time provides an idealized view of life in prison.

How to Stay Famous talks about celebrity, not-celebrity and how to stay on top.

Classic Humor Essays

I have scores of classic humor essays in the archives and I dipped in whenever I was too busy to write something new (8 times, if you’re keeping score at home.) For those of you who think this is cheating, it’s called National Blog Posting Month, not National Blog Writing Month.

In Search of a Fancy Title? talks about my desire for an impressive salutation.

Freaky Friday Presents: My Psychic Gift is about my very real – and very useless – psychic power.

In Defense of (Fake) Food is a celebration of the foods that we all secretly love.

The 5 Stages of the Company Holiday Party are very real and very relevant for the next few weeks.

Cross-Cultural Intellectual Relativity Theory (C.C.I.R.T.) discusses the unfair advantage that British people get in America due to their brilliant accents.

Strangers I Love: Old Man Jogger is a love letter to a stranger – and the first in a series (look for more, soon!)

A Beard’s Life addresses beards, goatees and soul patches.

Getting Old Ain’t Hard to Do talks about some of the (positive) signs of aging.

Marketing Essays

Upon occasion I write about marketing or media topics and I wrote 2 new marketing essays this month.

“Personal Brand” THIS! was a screed against the “personal branding” movement that’s all over the social media wank-o-sphere these days.

Go Shopping Already, People! was an encouragement for people to hit the stores this holiday shopping season.

Clip Shows

Including this very post, I found yet another way to cut corners this month with 5 recap posts. Yes, they still count as posts.

NaBloPoMo Week 1 Recap

NaBloPoMo Week 2 Recap

NaBloPoMo Week 3 Recap

NaBloPoMo Week 4 Recap

Summary

3 music essays (10%)
12 original humor essays (40%)
8 classic humor essays (26%)
2 marketing essays (7%)
5 clip shows (17%)

Final Thoughts

I’m glad that I participated in NaBloPoMo, but I’m also glad that it’s over. I think that many people use these types of challenges to create new habits but that’s not really an issue for me. My problem is just having enough time to write. I definitely created more time this month, but I also missed reading my book on the train ride home.

I’m not sure if quality is necessarily related to effort. Some of the most positive responses were for essays (e.g. ‘Having a Fine Time Doing Time’) that I churned out relatively quickly. Then again, it took forever for me to get that Mark Karan review just right and I got a bunch of really special e-mails from that one as well. In other words, I’ve learned nothing about the process of writing, except for the fact that the more you write, the better you get.

I really appreciate all of the comments and e-mails from readers both old and new. Thanks for putting up with me every single day for a whole month. I’ll be resuming a normal posting schedule, which means probably 2-3 posts per week. If you haven’t already, please consider subscribing to the feed here so you’ll know when new essays are posted.

See you next November! (Maybe)

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Thanks as always for reading. You can find all of my NaBloPoMo essays here. Other humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your friends, enemies, co-workers and relatives to stop by.

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One of the problems with today’s hyper-speed news cycle is that people barely get their full 15 minutes of fame anymore. One minute you’re surrounded by the paparazzo everywhere you go and before you know it – poof! – nobody cares about you anymore and you’re forced to rush out a bad memoir named after an X-Men character.

It sure seems like it’s gotten easier to get famous nowadays (thanks to more celebrity-based media and reality TV) but it’s much harder to stay famous. Worst of all, the truly talented people are getting lumped in with the general riff-raff (e.g. Jon & Kate) that are inexplicably clogging up our trashy magazines, website and TV shows.

In the future, if we want to keep evolving as a celebrity-obsessed culture, I think we’re going to need to create a new level of categorization somewhere between “celebrity” and “nobody.”

Now, you might be thinking, “isn’t that what the D-List is for?” And the answer is no. The D-List is for people that earned their way to celebrity-hood but didn’t have enough talent to stay famous or relevant. But that doesn’t take away from their initial accomplishments. For example, Corey (Feldman) & Corey (Haim) at their worst are still more culturally important than Octomom at her best. The D-List is still a part of the list and you need talent to get on the list in the first place.

Personally, I’d like to use the term “infamous” but that implies being known for negative reasons and most modern reality stars are more tedious than negative. Plus, killing sprees involve a lot of messy work, so “infamous” probably needs to be reserved for serial killers. Just like middle name usage.

So, unless you have a better suggestion, I’m going with “lamous.” Basically, we replace the term “fame” with “lame” in all of its uses to make it clear that this person is known, but they’re not famous. They’re lamous.

So that solves our first problem of separating the famous from the lamous and the celebrities from the celamebrities. But how can genuinely talented people stay famous in this unpredictable media era?

My theory is that many creative people get famous for being themselves. Their first book, album or TV show is original and authentic and society embraces them for being slightly more talented versions of regular people. But then they can’t sustain their fame because being famous changes them and takes away what we liked about them in the first place.

This happens on Food TV all the time. Someone like Rachael Ray is initially appealing precisely because she’s goofy and unpolished. Then she hits it big, becomes a “personality” and loses all of the goofiness that we found appealing in the first place. Look at Guy Fieri. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but they turned him into a caricature of himself with the stupid backward sunglasses and the sweat band and the ridiculous shirts and hair. When he was just a regular schlub and he dressed like that he looked fine. Now he looks like a douche. Plus, that dude will literally eat garbage. No one likes a celebrity that eats garbage.

Many, but not all, musicians suffer from the sophomore slump. People think that the sophomore slump is a result of the artist having run out of good material. But I don’t think it’s the absence of quality material. I think it’s that their environment has changed. They went from being poor, unknown chumps to being stars. You can’t write about everyday life and relate to regular people when you’re taking private planes everywhere and partying with Verne Troyer.

The simple answer seems to be to “keep it real.” But that’s unrealistic advice. Nobody is going to live in a shitty apartment or eat Ramen noodles just to keep it real. That’s not authentic, either.

Nope, the key to staying famous is to never relate to regular people in the first place. By definition, you can’t lose touch with people that you were never in touch with in the first place. That’s what makes celebrities like Madonna (or her modern-day knock-off Lady Gaga) so compelling, even though their music is awful. They don’t seem like real people. They don’t look like they were ever kids or not-famous. They appear as if they were birthed fully-formed as celebrities, like Athena from Zeus’s head.

(My apologies for that burst of pomposity.)

In conclusion:

If you have talent and want to sustain a long career of fame, don’t be a regular person that hits it big – people will get bored with that. Be a famous person that occasionally treats the commoners to a glimpse of greatness.

If you don’t have talent, but you want to be well-known, please feel free to go on a reality TV show or a multi-state killing spree. But be forewarned, you’ll never be a real celebrity and we might use your middle name.

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Thanks as always for reading. You can find all of my NaBloPoMo essays here. Other humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your friends (just the D-Listers) to stop by.

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Well, the month of November – and the silly game of NaBloPoMo – is almost over and I, for one, am looking forward to returning to a lax posting schedule.

The 4th week of National Blog Posting Month featured a mix of new and classic essays that were sure to please and/or offend everyone, including Brits, prisoners, Australians (wait, I already said prisoners), old people and former Presidents.

In other words, it was a normal week at Big Mouth Blues.

My love of oldsters came through twice in Getting Old Ain’t Hard to Do and Strangers I Love: Old Man Jogger.

My love of Brits was discussed in Cross-Cultural Intellectual Relativity Theory (C.C.I.R.T.)

My imagined love of prison life was discussed in Having a Fine Time Doing Time

My love of beards was addressed in A Beard’s Life

And finally, an impassioned pre-black Friday plea to help fix our economy through consumerism was made in Go Shopping Already, People!

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Like many of you, I’m thankful for many things this year, including: winning the suicide NFL pool, having the batteries in the scale die before Thanksgiving, getting paid to yell at people to buy pizza, and of course, family, friends, the new puppy and all of you anonymous and not-so-anonymous readers.  Happy Thanksgiving.

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Thanks as always for reading. You can find all of my NaBloPoMo essays here. Other humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your professional acquaintances (especially publishers and editors) to stop by.

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While many people will scratch and fight and basically do anything they can to avoid getting old, there is a small minority of individuals (okay, just me) that actually enjoys aging. I’m guessing it’s because as a child I was blessed with three glorious old men in my life – my two dearly departed grandfathers and my writing idol, Andy Rooney.

I love old men, with their lax hygiene and their stubbornness. I love their rambling, pointless stories about multiple unnamed characters. I love their complaining about anything and everything. And I especially love their old man cars.

Oh my, do I ever love their old man cars. Give me a Lincoln or a Mercury any day. If I had the money I would single-handedly save the American car industry. I dream of one day owning a Cadillac and putting a box of tissues and a navy cap on the rear shelf. I love that fabric roof top that looks like a convertible but isn’t. I love driving a little too slowly and drifting over the center line a little too much. And I love getting mad at anyone that tries to tell me to pay attention to the road.

But my big problem is that time moves so damn slowly. I’m just not getting old fast enough. It’s taken me practically a whole lifetime to get to be my current age and I’m not sure that I have the patience to wait until I’m officially pronounced old (I’m calling 70 old these days).

To ease my fractured nerves, I’ve been thinking about some of the signs of aging so that I can anticipate and celebrate them as they happen. You know, I’m just looking for a few positive markers to keep me motivated during my long journey.

So today, I’m excited for the day when I can no longer feel the roof of my mouth.

Let me explain. If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant (I was a cook for 7+ years) then you know that soup can never be hot enough for an old person. No matter how bubbling, boiling or scalding the soup is upon delivery, it absolutely won’t be hot enough for an old person. I’ve served thousands of bowls of soup in my day and I have never once heard an old person say “that’s too hot!” (Although I did once hear an old lady say “that’s hot!” like Paris Hilton and it haunted me for months.)

Since the same exact thing happens with old people and their coffee, my educated guess is that old people must lose all sensation on the roof of their mouths at a certain point in their lives. My palette, on the other hand, is still as sensitive as a baby’s bottom. In fact, just yesterday the roof of my mouth got all “skin-y” from an overly vigorous toothbrushing session.

Speaking of coffee, why do old people drink it with everything? Next time you’re in a diner sneak a peek at the old people and you’ll see that they all drink coffee (black, maybe decaf) no matter what time of day it is or what they’re eating. Coffee and an english muffin? Sure. Coffee and a tuna fish sandwich? Of course. Coffee and spaghetti? Why not?

So, as I was saying…wait, what was the point of this essay again?

Hey! I really am getting old! Hooray for me!

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Thanks as always for reading. You can find all of my NaBloPoMo essays here. Other humor essays are here. Music essays are here. You can subscribe to this blog’s feed here and you can follow me on twitter here. And please tell your friends (just the oldsters) to stop by.

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