People I Liked Better When They Were Fatter

For many people, losing weight is easy. They eat less, exercise more, and next thing you know, they’re slightly less porky than before. I have often tried this method myself, but as a sufferer of the horrendous disease laziusdoritosbeeritus, it’s scientifically harder for me than most people. As a result I’ve been toying with a few other options.

Option #1: Move to an island in the South Pacific where fatness is a symbol of success, power and virility.

Pros: get to wear a floral muumuu, eat lots of spam and pineapple, can make cool things out of bamboo

Cons: lots of mosquitoes, not in Boston, potential lack of Doritos & Miller Lite

Option #2: Get really, really fat, then go back to being regular fat so people think I look good.

Pros: can eat anything, no need to exercise, will look like a red William Conrad

Cons: fingers too fat to work iphone, won’t be able to wear my favorite pair of skinny jeans

Option #3: Do nothing and hope the rest of the world gets fatter while I stay the same.

Pros: do nothing

Cons: might take a while for the rest of the world to surpass me

While all of these options are pretty compelling, option #3 got me thinking about famous people that have lost lots of weight. Obviously when famous people lose weight they make me look worse and I hate them for that. Specifically, here are some people that I liked much better when they were fatter.

Ricky Gervais

The English comedian – famous for creating The Office – is one of the few British people that I find funny. But I think his weight loss has hurt his career. Skinny Ricky’s problem is that his humor tends to be a little mean. Remember when he made fun of people of all those nice actors at the Golden Globes? Mean humor coming from a fat guy is always welcome. Mean humor from a skinny guy comes off as bullying. So Ricky’s going to either have to get nicer or fatter if he wants to make another $100 million bucks.

Al Roker

I’m not sure why people blamed Ann Curry for The Today Show’s fall from grace. Sure, Ann was a robot (and not a cool robot like Bender Rodriguez), but I think the real culprit here is Al Roker. Ever since Al got the belly band and turned into Skinny Al he freaks me out. Here’s the thing: weather reports are boring so you need to spice them up with some boobs. And I don’t care whose boobs they are. As soon as Al got skinny I lost interest in The Today Show.

Bill Clinton

Has anyone in the world gotten less cool than Bill Clinton? Back when he was President, Bill was awesome. To me he personified America: kind of smart, kind of trashy, kind of a mess. Fat Bill Clinton was a dude you’d want to party with. You knew he was up for anything. He’s the guy that talks the rest of us into another unnecessary drink and a stop at the diner on the way home. But Skinny Bill is all sanctimonious and always talking about debt relief or some shit going down in the middle of nowhere. Can somebody please bring back the real Bill Clinton!

Alec Baldwin

Actually, I’m glad that Alec has dropped a little weight recently, as I really hope that he lives forever and becomes King of the Earth. His fat-jectory is kind of perfect: he went from being a super-handsome skinny guy to a super-handsome fat guy to a super-handsome medium-sized guy. But it seems like he started taking himself a lot less seriously once he got fat. Chew on this theory: without fatty foods we never would have gotten Jack Donaghy.

W. Axl Rose

Just kidding! Axl Rose is a loathsome individual no matter what his current pant size. I’ve hated Axl ever since we saw Guns N Roses at SPAC back on the Use Your Illusion tour. Guess what Axl? You can only call me a motherf**ker 47 times during a concert if your band doesn’t suck. This is really just an excuse for posting this delicious photo of Fat Axl.


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