I Am The Sexiest Man Alive

Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2011, ending the under-appreciated reign of last year’s winner Ryan Reynolds.

Now some people might say that Ryan squandered his term, which ultimately resulted in his big summer movie The Green Latern flopping. I take the opposite position and say that The Green Latern flopped precisely because the combination of Ryan Reynold and Blake Lively was far too sexy for comic book nerds to embrace.

You see, what you norms might not realize is that comic book nerds are smart. They know that they’ll never win the affection of a Blake Lively so they aim a little lower and lust after someone like Alyson Hannigan from Buffy (i.e. someone who is still quite attractive but not super-hot). Of course comic book nerds have no chance with Alyson Hannigan, either, but don’t tell them that. I said they were smart, I didn’t say that they weren’t delusional.

Anyway, back to Mr. Sexy, Bradley Cooper, who is certainly sexy enough to wear the crown. I like me some Bradley Cooper and I certainly don’t begrudge him this prestigious honor.

What I do begrudge is the apparently rising standards of womenfolk in judging male sexiness.

Dig this. When I’m travelling alone I like to watch old movies. I do this because nobody else wants to watch old movies with me and because movies (just like music) were much better in the 1970s. Hell, everything was great in the ‘70s when I was too young to enjoy it. Then stuff sucked in the ‘80s when I was almost old enough to enjoy it. Then things were great again in the ‘90s when I was still young enough to enjoy it. The things got shitty again in the ’00s, but I was too tired from the stupid kids to care.

What was so great about movies in the ‘70s? Well aside from the excellent writing, direction and acting, the music was super-funky, the clothes were hideously awesome and people said hip things like “dig this”. But truly, the greatest thing about movies in the ‘70s (and earlier) is that fat middle-aged men were legitimate sex symbols.

You see, I can compete with a 50 year old William Holden. I’ll go toe-to-toe with Robert Mitchum wearing a dirty trenchcoat. Humphrey Bogart? He’s mine, all five and a half feet of him. I’m sure even Ernest Borgnine had his admirers. It was easy being sexy back then.

But I can’t compete with Bradley Cooper and his stupid hair and washboard abs and dazzling smile.

So there you have it.

Ladies, if you want to bring sexy back could you please lower your standards to 1970s level? Think of it like the Bush tax cuts. I’m not asking you to give up everything – just go back to a reasonable level when we were all happy.

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