Well, it’s finally here…the greatest day of the year! As usual, my wife is out trick-or-treating with the kids and I’m home manning the door. The scary music mix is on the stereo and the faux-Rastafarian dreadlocks are on my head. I haven’t eaten any candy yet today so I’m ready for a full night of delicious treats.
The big news is that for the first time ever, I’ll be live blogging my candy reviews. Please note that the evening usually features three distinct phases: first, I’ll eat the candy that we bought to give out, next I’ll eat the candy that my 4 year old secures during the early shift and finally, I’ll eat the candy that my 8 year old scores on the late shift. My intention is to eat one piece of every kind of candy that enters the house, with the exception of generic candy and size variants.
Candy will be rated on my patented 4 point scale ™, with 1 being a “shit sandwich” and 4 being a “Butterfinger”.
Twix: Featuring caramel, chocolate and cookie, Twix is a Gen X favorite, and for good reason. The cookie provides a lovely texture, the chocolate is tasty and the caramel is used judiciously, as it should be. A great way to start the evening. 4
Reese’s Crispy Crunchy Bar: Is this new? I’m a big fan of Reese’s, so I’m always up for another line extension from them. It’s like a cross between a Kit Kat and a Nestle Crunch. It’s okay but I’m not sure if I need the wafer AND the crunch. 2
3 Muskateers: Oh sweet nougat, I do love thee so. So light and fluffy, the 3 Muskateers bar is sophisticated, like a little bite of chocolate mousse. Give those 3 muskateers 4 stars! 4
Take 5: Perhaps the greatest candy bar invention in decades, Take 5 is pure genius: chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts and peanut butter. The saltiness and hardness of the pretzel is a brilliant addition to the candy canon. Somewhere Milton S. Hershey is smiling. 4
Milky Way: It’s like a 3 Muskateers, but with caramel and the nougat is different (yes, it is. I once called the corporate 800# to find out in order to settle a pre-wikipedia bet. It is different nougat and I won the bet). But, I’m not a huge fan of caramel being the star of the show, so I’m not that big a fan of the Milky Way. 2
Milky Way Midnight: It’s the dark chocolate version of the Milky Way. The chocolate taste like the mounds chocolate. Interesting but not that great. 2
Snickers: Meh. Ever since I overdosed on peanuts on the South Beach diet (irony alert!) I’m not that big on whole peanuts. And the caramel again. I don’t feel that satisfied, either. 2
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: The sweetest plum. Chocolate. Peanut Butter. And I love how the top layer of chocolate is a little too thick. Fantastic candy. 4
Twizzlers Rainbow Twists: While I generally prefer the chocolate, it’s nice to mix it up sometimes with something different. But these are just weird. They taste like Kool-Aid packets. Blech. 1
Mounds: You know, I’m really not that big on either dark chocolate or coconut, but the whole is definitely greater than the sum of the parts. That’s some good stuff. 3
Butterfinger: My childhood favorite candy. It’s one of a kind – peanut-y and chocolate-y with a unique texture inside. I absolutely adore Butterfingers. 4
(Must admit…11 bars into the taste test and starting to fade. Must press on and keep eating candy. America needs me. Perhaps a beer will help…)
Kit Kat: The original wafer candy, it’s light and crunchy and delicious. Plus, you get TWO of them! Woo hoo! 4
100 Grand: Chocolate, caramel and crispy, the 100 Grand is a little tough on the teeth. Like the US dollar, this one has been seriously over-valued. 2
Sour Skittles: Yeech, that’s just gross. They should probably leave the ‘sour’ to the ‘patch kids’. 1
3 Muskateers Mint with Dark Chocolate: Wow! I feel like I just brushed my teeth! It’s like a creamy After 8 mint. Actually, I never liked those too much. 2
Whoppers: Now I feel like I’m in a black and white movie. What is malted milk, anyway? Kind of good, kind of gross. It’s appropriate that there’s only 3 in pack – I’m not sure I could handle more than 3 in one sitting. 2
I can’t believe it. A mere 16 candy bars and I’m toast. I have brought shame and dishonor onto my entire family. To be perfectly honest with you I would commit seppuku right now if my tummy wasn’t so full of mostly-delicious candy.
(Originally written on 10/31/08. If you liked this you’ll find my Rating the Snack Cakes equally delicious.)