I’m Glad Shark Week is Over

I’m glad shark week is over because shark week is the stupidest, most boring thing ever and I don’t understand why people get so excited about it.

Once you’ve seen one shark angrily (yet unsuccessfully) attack a diver in a cage you’ve seen all sharks angrily (yet unsuccessfully) attack a diver in a cage. It’s entertaining for about 20 seconds. Unfortunately, shark week lasts a lot longer than 20 seconds. In fact, it lasts a whole week longer than 20 seconds.

What do we learn (or re-learn) each Shark Week?

1) Sharks love blood. Do you know who else loves blood? Vampires. Sexy vampires and their sexy human frenemies on pay cable TV shows. What would you rather watch: boring sharks being taunted or Anna Paquin inexplicably falling in love with a murderous vampire within 3 days – even after her dead grandmother told her not to – just because he’s sexy and has amnesia? Exactly.

2) Sharks have a lot of pointy teeth. You know who else has pointy teeth? Those crazy people who get the snake tattoos all over their bodies and split their tongues and file their teeth into points. Those people are awesome. I will watch them on basic cable anytime. My only question is: why are the fake snake people always British? And my other only question is: why the fuck are you trying to turn yourself into a snake? It looks stupid, it’s expensive, it’s painful and you still don’t actually look like a snake. You just look like a person with scale tattoos, a broken tongue and pointy teeth. Talk about bad life decisions. That said, Human Snake Guy Week still sounds way more appealing than Shark Week.

3) People that taunt sharks on TV are jerks and deserve to get eaten. Didn’t we learn anything from the sad Steve Irwin (man taunts animals for a living, one day man get poisonous stinger in heart and dies) incident?

Seriously, what did sharks ever do to anyone to deserve such treatment? Kill lots of people, you say? Well let’s debate this all legal-like. You be the prosecutor and I’ll be the shark defense lawyer:

Prosecution: Sharks are murderous creatures and deserve whatever they get. They’re killing machines by nature and cannot be rehabilitated or integrated into polite society.

Defense: Sharks rule the kingdom of the sea. Humans enter the sea at their own peril.

Prosecution: But you attack people at the beach all the time!

Defense: Humans can have the beach, but once you enter the water, you’re fair game.

Prosecution: But that’s not fair! Humans like swimming at the beach.

Defense: No, what’s not fair is fat 50 year old men in Hawaiian shirts making shark fins on their heads at Jimmy Buffett concerts. Those men deserve to die.

Prosecution: Agreed. Case closed.


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