The State of the Professional Sports Union

Friends, Americans, fellow podcasters, it is with great pride and humilty – let’s call it primility – that I deliver the 2011 state of the professional sports union address.

The state of professional sports in America is strong….ly concerning.

Our greatest sport, American football, is under the dual threat of head injuries and a potential lock-out.  Even worse, legendary Patriots quarterback Tom Brady seems incapable of winning in the post-season anymore. I fear that he is suffering from the Curse the Babe-ino. What self-respecting Bostonian would dump a beautiful Irish lass like Bridget Moynahan for a dime-a-dozen supermodel? Tom, please come to your senses, divorce Gisele, get back together with Bridget – who just happens to be the star of America’s #1 new drama, Blue Bloods – and win another Super Bowl.

The NBA is currently enjoying one of its greatest regular seasons in recent memory. But once again, greed and avarice threaten to shut down our favorite winter sport after this season. Even worse, NBA fandom has sunk to such a low that alleged dream teams in Miami have to teach their fans how to show up on time and root for their team. It’s an embarrassment.

The other great winter sport, hockey, still suffers from over-expansion. I propose that this year we finally merge the NHL with NASCAR, and split them along geographical lines.  I call it the Pancake-Waffle line, with stock car racing exclusively in cities with a Waffle House and ice hockey in cities with a Bickfords.

Sadly, the nerds continue to ruin baseball, with their spreadsheets and their VORP and their stupid math. Let’s be honest here, America only has the attention span to follow one event that runs for 4 hours a day 6 days a week – and that event is Dancing with the Stars.

In closing, the only thing we really learned this past year, after watching the World Cup, is that soccer is truly the boringest sport known to man. If I wanted to watch some Greasy Europeans running in circles and kicking each other in the shins I’d just buy tickets to Riverdance.

And yes, I wish I had a more timely reference for that joke than Riverdance, but I don’t.

Thank you.

(Speech originally delivered on episode #34 of the Steve Gorman Sports podcast)


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