A List of People I Don’t Mess With

Over the years I have clearly established my bona fides as a legitimate tough guy. And while my lifetime street brawl record stands at an unimpressive 0-1-0 (please bear in mind that there were extenuating circumstances,) I like to think that I haven’t been involved in more street brawls precisely because most people recognize my substantial badassness.

Sensei Harry Rosenfeld of Freehold, New Jersey obviously trained me well. Some would say that he trained me too well. I like to think of myself as one of the most accomplished green-belt-with-two-stripes karate experts in the Northeast. Look, 4th place 12-and-under sparring ribbons don’t come easy.

Many years ago, I learned a valuable lesson from a wise, kind, bearded, young spiritual master with long hair. He encouraged me to turn the other cheek. Sometimes, taught my Sensei, the best way to win a fight is to not fight at all.

And while I may possess only a small fraction of Sensei’s impressive knowledge (I was tragically forced to quit karate after an unfortunate incident at Hebrew school) I felt that it was important for me to pass along whatever meager wisdom I have before my untimely demise. Today’s lesson will focus on knowing when to turn the other cheek, or as I like to call it:

A List of People I Don’t Mess With

1) Naturally, all lists of people not to mess with begin with the standard warning to stay away from crazy hat people;

2) It’s smart policy not to pick fights with people that use a little igloo cooler as their lunchbox.

3) Similarly, don’t pick fights with people that eat lunch at 10:15. (Usually from a small igloo cooler.)

4) Tattoos are always helpful guides. I never mess with a neck tattoo wearer or anyone with a tattoo of a bloody dagger that says “a deal is a deal” in that scary gothic font.

5) You might be surprised to learn that I DO mess with people with droopy pants. Now, I’ll confess that I was initially terrified to learn that the droopy pant look is an homage to prison (no belts in prison), but I also learned that people with droopy pants have trouble running after you.

6) Never, ever mess with a woman in a hockey sweater (jersey), especially if she’s got a mullet.

7) I used to be scared of people that liked ‘80s heavy metal (e.g. Judas Priest) until I grew up and realized just how gay heavy metal was (e.g. Judas Priest).

8) Generally, I try to avoid most of the fighty countries south and east of Spain. Let’s just say that if I was running the U.S.’s foreign policy apparatus the phrase: “we didn’t really want that land anyway” would be heard a lot more frequently.

9) I used to mess with the Scientologists, but when you learn about the bridge to total freedom and start operating at a higher thetan level, well, then, there’s a lot less to make fun of, isn’t there?  Or maybe you’re just a suppressive person?

10) Babies. Their creepy little eyes look so human. It’s unnerving!

I hope you found this guide helpful. May I suggest that you clip-and-save it for future reference?


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