Why didn’t anyone tell me?
The other day, at the supermarket, my son and I were surveying the snack cake aisle, looking for a delicious dessert treat for the week. As I’ve mentioned many times before, I have a weakness, nay an addiction, to snack cakes.
(Please note that when I say “snack cake” I mean Hostess or Drakes snack cakes – not those low-rent Little Debbie knock-offs. )
I’ve always loved snack cakes. Case in point: as a child, my parents were dismayed by my lack of skills or interests, so they “gave” me a hobby. I was conscripted into being a coin collector. In truth, being a coin collector isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. Basically, people from my extended family would bring me back foreign coins whenever they traveled overseas. I would briefly inspect the coin and then throw it into a little plastic McDonaldland trashcan bank in my closet. That was the extent of my hobby. One day, when I was around eleven years old, I took the entire collection to a local bank in an attempt to turn it into real money. I guess the exchange rate between the Bahamian quarter and the US dollar wasn’t very strong in the early ’80s, because I recall getting about $2.50 for the entire trashcan. I promptly biked over to the local Kwik-e-Mart and spent the haul on a Suzie-Q, a Chocolate Cow and two games of Ms. Pac-Man. Best money I ever spent!
So where was I? Oh yes, the supermarket. So we’re going through the snack cake options and I see this disturbing note on the Drakes box:
“Drakes by Hostess”
WHAT? I’m outraged. Globalization has gone too far this time. You know, I don’t get too worked up about cloning or GMOs, about international monetary fund policy or off-shore tax shenanigans in the Cayman Islands. But this is completely unacceptable. Hostess and Drakes are mortal enemies! And now the noble Drakes duck has to live with a Hostess logo under him?
So, in memory of a free and independent Drakes, today I present to you …Rating the Snack Cakes!
Hostess
Twinkies: always dependable, it’s the golden cake with the creamy filling. It’s a little sticky on the fingers, but quite light and tasty. Twinkie the Kid is one cool cowboy, too. 8 (out of 10)
Chocodiles: The holy grail of snack cakes, the Chocodile (and its pimped out mascot Chauncy) is now only available west of the Rockies. It’s a chocolate-covered Twinkie and it’s spectacular. Why are we denied this sublime pleasure on the East Coast? 10
Suzie-Qs: Great song, great snack, the Suzie Q is hardcore. It’s a big rectangular chocolate cake with tons of creamy filling. In my high school people used to separate the halves and try to get the Q to stick to the ceiling in the cafeteria. 8
Ding Dongs: round chocolate coated chocolate cake with creamy filling. The combination of chocolate cake and chocolate coating is heavenly. 8
Cupcakes: poorly designed. The chocolate top often separates from the too-dry cake. And the golden version is a travesty. 5
Ho Hos: a sophisticated treat with an unsophisticated name, the Ho Ho is a fancy swirled cake and cream combination covered in chocolate. Best saved for dinner parties or holidays. 8
Donettes: the powered version is as bad as the chocolate version is good. Either way, there are better donut options in the world (e.g. glazed pop ‘ems). 6
Sno Balls: creepy and dry with a terrible mouthfeel. Only eat when desperate! 3
Fruit Pies: Fruit Pie the Magician is a cool mascot and the pie is pretty good, but I prefer the two mini pies (Drakes style) over the one big pie. As far as flavor preference goes you’re talking cherry, apple, blueberry. 6
Mini-Muffins: When did they invent this travesty? Are parents supposed to think that this is a healthy option? Absurd. 3
Glazed Honey Bun: my preferred breakfast in school, it’s a sticky mess but it’s well worth it. And it’s even better warm. 8
Drakes
Devil Dog: inexplicably popular, the Devil Dog is sahara-level dry. It sticks to the roof of your mouth, too. 4
Yankee/Sunny Doodles: chocolate and yellow cupcakes, sans icing. Cupcakes just aren’t that great, come to think of it. 4
Ring Dings: these are really just Ding Dongs, but they’re also known as King Dongs (awkward!), King Dons, and Big Wheels, each with it’s own mascot – the Indian Chief Big Wheel and King Don himself. 8
Yodels: Yodels are the same as Ho Hos, with a European-style name, making it even more sophisticated. These are for fancy dinner parties with the boss or country-club friends. 8
Funny Bones: I love Funny Bones. Once again the marriage of Chocolate and Peanut Butter rocks my world. I’d probably opt for this bad boy on death row, it’s so good. 10
Coffee Cake Junior: more of a breakfast treat, the coffee cake was a mature way to start your day. It’s a little dry, but it has a nice flavor and it’s a change from the chocolate-cream combination. 6
Fruit Pies: it’s just a personal preference, but as mentioned above, I like the two mini-pies over the one big pie. Fruit pies are good for when you’re dieting, obviously, because they’re made with fruit. 6
I’m speechless. Here I was all outraged over Hostess owning Drakes and yet it’s clear that Hostess has always owned Drakes, at least metaphorically. Better selection, better taste and better mascots (except for the Chief. I loved that guy.) And if it wasn’t for Funny Bones, Drakes wouldn’t even be in the running.
###
Paul // May 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Wow! Thanks for getting to the bottom of all this. I was just eating blind!
Totally agree with you on the Golden Cupcake thing.
Maybe you could do cereals at some point?
Arlene // May 5, 2010 at 4:49 pm
What about Zingers?? They’re my new favorite thing! Mmmm, so GOOD!!!
Richard Conrad // May 5, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Zingers really are good, but I have to say that those oatmeal pies beat everything!
ramonakent // May 5, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Suzy Q’s were my favorite when I was young…I loved the thick creamy filling!!
Breland Kent // May 5, 2010 at 5:46 pm
What a great blog, I really enjoyed reading :)
Andrea // May 5, 2010 at 6:08 pm
LOL on not worrying about what’s in your food. If you have allergies, then you have too, but I am sure you do not if you’re eating these! Twinkies aren’t even baked…..I am still trying to figre out how and if they are digestable.
Joe Clifford Faust // May 5, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Ho Hos frozen – 10.
izziedarling // May 5, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Hello, what about MOON PIES????????
Dr. Ray Stevenson // May 5, 2010 at 7:28 pm
STOP STEALING MAI CURLY FRIEZ!
magic // May 5, 2010 at 7:50 pm
What about Tastykakes? They out perform any and all of the above.
Jim Carls // May 5, 2010 at 8:39 pm
“…not those low-rent Little Debbie knock-offs.”
Oh, man, are you out of your over-sugared, carbed-out mind? Forget everything else (even Suzy Q’s, which are pretty darned tasty but tend to lose filling): Little Debbie’s Swiss Rolls are the absolute pinnacle of snack cake technology, a perfect balance of cake, creme, chocolate and texture that run swirls around the waxy imitations of the major brands. They induce an uncontrollable urge to stuff the entire thing into your mouth without so much as a side glance to see who might be witnessing the embarrassing display. Perhaps your gaffe can be attributed to simply not trying them. Well, you should, but I cannot be held responsible for the result.
jodie // May 5, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Hilarious, well done. Personal favorite ring dings and tastykakes with a glass of whole milk followed by a lipitor. Cheers
wajiha // May 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm
:)
nice!!
todaytomorrowandyesterday // May 6, 2010 at 12:14 am
Such a great blog that I am not sure where to begin. I grew up with a Hostess Bakery Outlet two blocks from my house so I lean on the side of Hostess for sure. But did you forget Zingers? Are Zingers even made by Hostess? I may have to look into this. I agree with everything EXCEPT the Sno-Balls analysis. You have to know the right way to eat them…peel the marshmallow and coconut cover off, eat that, then lick out the icing. The cake part is garbage once the icing is gone so I just toss that away. And on the note of the cupcakes, what was with the wretched taste of the golden ones? No thanks for me! Oh and fruit pies were great until I learned that just one has something like 500 calories in it. For a little piece of pie? I mean, it’s not THAT good.
I do agree with the above post that Tastycakes are delicious. Butterscotch Krimptes are one of my all time favorite snack cakes for sure.
Thanks for the blog! Now I want snack cake!
melanirae // May 6, 2010 at 12:16 am
I never even heard of most of these! I must live under a rock.
I love that your parents had to give you a hobby. That was brilliant!
Songbird // May 6, 2010 at 2:00 am
Twinkies all the way for me!!!
DKN // May 6, 2010 at 8:26 am
CHOCODILES!!?? Those sound awesome! We didn’t have those in Columbia, MO growing up or Lawrence, KS, where I went to school.
I live in NYC now, yeah, none here either. I’ve been semi-impressed with the Drakes scene out here, having grown up primarily around Hostess and Lil Debbie. I agree completely that Funny Bones are perfect and Devil Dogs suck.
GraceKay // May 6, 2010 at 8:42 am
WOW!! I so had that McDonaldland trashcan bank, and actually still do… I keep my “special” coins and $2 bills in it, although now it has made it’s way into my fireproof strong box.
PS: my mom always sent me with Funny Bones as my snack of choice. Great post!
Roberto Jose // May 6, 2010 at 9:39 am
haha i am so loving this! thanks! ;)
Denise K // May 6, 2010 at 10:11 am
Way off base on the powdered sugar vs. chocolate donettes – the powdered sugar are better. Both of these are excellent pre-ride food. Case in point: my friend, boyfriend, and I all went on a huge mountain bike ride. She ate the chocolate, I ate the powdered sugar, and he insisted that neither were acceptable. For once, I finally kicked her butt, and by the end of the ride, the boyfriend was lagging us both. This counts as scientific proof, right?
waywardgraduate // May 6, 2010 at 10:13 am
I feel like we are being completely deprived of snack cakes here in the UK. I haven’t heard of 80% of these and my stomach’s rumblings is telling me how displeased this makes me. When I do migrate across the pond for a visit, I shall print this list out and fold it away safely inside whatever tourist guide I purchase myself. And throw a baked goods festival in my hotel room.
thoughtsappear // May 6, 2010 at 10:44 am
I love the Hostess fruit pies and twinkies. Please send Chocodiles to Maryland! Right now I’m forced to buy chocolate covered twinkies from expensive candy shops!
Great Job Team 7! « Miss Zimmerschied's Blog // May 6, 2010 at 12:34 pm
[...] I was looking at popular Word Press Blogs, I found a fun little site about snack cakes at http://mitchblum.com/2010/05/05/rating-the-snack-cakes/. If you are a Hostess Twinkie or Ding Dong fan, you might enjoy [...]
Mitch // May 6, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I’m relieved that so many people share my love of snack cakes. I was afraid that Jamie Oliver, with his lethal combination of British and Health food (**shudder**), had ruined our cultural appreciate for faux pastries.
Responses:
@Paul – I’m a big fan of cereal and will declare that Reese’s Puffs are the alpha and the omega of the cereal aisle.
@Arlene/Richard – I think Zingers were from Dolly Madison. I don’t really remember eating many. And I definitely wouldn’t eat any snack featuring oatmeal.
@Joe – ho hos frozen? That’s a new one to me. I like the way you think!
@Jim – thank you for your impassioned defense of Little Debbie. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t eat a LD snack if offered, but I’m kind of a Hostess snob to be honest.
@todaytomorrowandyesterday – there was a Hostess outlet near my grandmother’s house when I was a kid. Big bins of discounted but seemingly perfect snacks. I want to be buried there.
@melanierae – you think that was bad, my brother was given stamp collecting. He couldn’t even cash his hobby in!
@DeniseK – I was judging the donettes on taste, not athletic performance. I concede that the extra sugar may help mountain bikers.
@waywardgraduate – I don’t want to make you too jealous, but our beer is cold here, too. It’s really good cold!!
Thanks for reading everybody!
Mike // May 6, 2010 at 2:18 pm
please tell me you didn’t try rating all of these in one day…
Mitch // May 6, 2010 at 2:23 pm
No, but I once live-blogged halloween and started getting delirious around fun size bar #15.
Jade // May 6, 2010 at 2:28 pm
I have never heard of Drakes but Lil’ Debbie’s are my absolute most favorite snacks around!! I drive an extra 10 minute drive to get Carmel Bars. I’ve been eating them since I was eleven. And the heated up HunnyBun, Nutty Bars – I eat them wafer by wafer. I was only a little disappointed when the prices went up 10 cents.
Sarah Gupta // May 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Hahaha… totally loved that you refer to Lil’ Debbie as the low-rent version of snack cakes. They are NEVER as good.
Raul Alanis // May 6, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Forget dinner tonight…It looks like it’s ust going to be dessert!!
http://www.wutevs.wordpress.com
Paul // May 6, 2010 at 3:28 pm
This is clearly a topic us Americans have opinions on! My World Peace article couldn’t get a tumble! :)
Promotional Items // May 6, 2010 at 3:46 pm
@Paul – LMAO.
My god I had forgotten how good these little treats are! After reading this blog I went out and bought some Coffee Cakes…just delicious. I don’t think I’ll be eating anything other than sweet treats today!
Dionne Baldwin // May 6, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I love your post! I have never had a Chocodile but since you rated it so high I want to try. :) Gotta try the Funny Bones they have the makings of my favorite things…I aways thought Ding Dongs were overrated for some reason. Ho-ho’s were always my fave.
I tried Little Debbie peanut butter bars once and the quality wasn’t there in my opinion. I gotta stick to the “top shelf” ones. They seem to have better flavor to me.
Russ // May 6, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Great post. I love me a Chocodile!
Leep // May 6, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Once upon a time, in the land of Weight Watchers, I actually calculated the total number of “points” consumed for eating an entire box of Ding Dongs (my all-time favorite). You don’t want to know.
skillets // May 6, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Mitch, all good here except for your Devil Dog rating, with which I must strongly disagree.
Yes, the Dog cake can be a bit dry, but that’s what makes it so perfect with a cup of coffee or tea. And you can’t beat the filling, not even with a Twinkie.
Rohit // May 6, 2010 at 10:17 pm
I wish you had a picture accompanying the snacks.
Apart from Cupcakes, Muffins and fruit pies, the rest of the names are not well known to us.
stroogie // May 7, 2010 at 8:35 am
Oh, Mitch, I loved those golden cupcakes, so I have to disagree with you.
But I do remember Choco-diles from 2nd grade. I didn’t realize they’d all been herded out west. That’s a shame.
T. Caine // May 7, 2010 at 9:18 am
It just goes to show how long I have been out of the snack game. It was due to shear necessity that I curbed myself away from these kinds of tasty treats, but hearing this kind of news only makes me more glad that I did because it seems like Drakes has been forever fouled by corporate agendas.
In most cases, I think Drakes has always made the superior snack. The coffee cakes were paramount. Insanely addictive and scrumptious. Yodels were better than Ho-Ho’s any day of the week. I never really got into the Devil Dog / Ding Dong comparisons, but I imagine the same holds true. In fact the only place I feel like Hostess cornered the market was in the chocolate cupcakes (I’m with you on the golden ones. Truth be told I never even bothered to try one.) So once in a while they could taste a bit like motor oil-by and large it was a success.
This strikes me as the same kind of underhanded, lame tactics that companies are using to make candy packages smaller. As if we wouldn’t notice! Have you seen the size of a Cadbury Cream Egg lately? It’s nonsense.
R.I.P. Drakes divine tastiness.
rubiescorner // May 7, 2010 at 10:03 am
You kept my interest. Some of these brands I am not familiar with. How about a survey on types of jelly beans?
Emily for Little Debbie // May 7, 2010 at 12:43 pm
loved the column even though you didn’t include us in the review. We would love to win you over or at least get you to try us out
thecodger // May 8, 2010 at 8:41 pm
You might wish to try a Moon Pie. I had one once many years ago. It seems to have left a lasting impression on me, so it must have been good.
The Codger
http://thecodger.wordpress.com/
North Shore Guy // May 18, 2010 at 9:56 am
This is your best work yet. Well done. You also have struck a warmspot with me giving a perfect to Funny Bones. Let’s be clear though, that is not peanut butter in the center of them. It’s peanut butter “food”. Kind of like how the fake cheese spread is “cheese food”. It’s all good though. Love the tip-of-the-hat to all the old mascots that peddled these delicious snacks to the youth of America too.
Donna // Jul 31, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Funny bones are the bestest EVER~~~ but they dont sell them in Indiana???? I have not had one in 20 years and miss them…wwwaaaa come on, why cant we get them here??? why???
From the Vault: 2008 Halloween Candy Live Blog! // Oct 28, 2011 at 11:00 am
[...] written on 10/31/08. If you liked this you’ll find my Rating the Snack Cakes equally [...]