As a child I always figured that I’d grow up, work for a few months, save up a couple thousand bucks, tell everybody to screw off and then live off the land and my sweet bankroll for the rest of my years. Now this might sound like some crazy freegan delusion, but believe you me, this was no fantasy. I had it all worked out. No way was The Man going to make me join his evil rat race.
And yet…here I am, lo these many years later, still working and hardly ever telling anyone to screw off. What happened?
Let me tell you what happened. You see, as the years went by I discovered that there are certain things in life that you can’t live without once you start living with them. And once you start “needing” things then it’s a slippery slope right into The Man’s clutches.
So what are these evil things that I can’t live without? Well, I’m glad you asked!
One of the first luxuries that apartment dwellers fall for is the dishwasher. After years of manually scrubbing, rinsing, drying and putting away the dishes finally a machine promises to automate everything (except for the scrubbing, rinsing and the putting away parts.)
Come to think of it, dishwashers suck and I’ve never met one that actually does a good job. Plus, it takes a small nuclear generator and 3 hours to do a job that previously took 10 minutes. I’d get rid of the dishwasher in a second if it wasn’t for the substantial ego boost that I receive as a result of my Tetris-like gift for squeezing another meal’s worth of dishes into an already full machine.
Where I live, near the water, the houses are old and A/C is not a common feature. Realtors always tell new home buyers that they don’t need A/C on the coast because of the sea breezes. That is a lie. What they meant to say was, “when you are sweltering in the summer heat it will definitely smell like fish when you open your windows in a desperate attempt to catch the mythical sea breeze.”
Please note that it is consider impolite to brag about having A/C in the company of your A/C-less neighbors and they will probably not be overly sympathetic when you complain about having a summer cold “because the A/C was set too low.”
For my entire childhood I used a humble length of cord to hold up my britches – I honestly never knew there was an alternative. Well, imagine my surprise when I moved to the big city and discovered that fancy folks were using leather straps with holes in them to suspend their trousers! And the buckles were so beautiful! Well, ever since that day I’ve spent a substantial portion of my fortune collecting belts and/or buckles.
People don’t watch black and white TV anymore because someone invented color television. People don’t have to read Dostoevsky anymore because someone (presumably Cliff) invented Cliff’s Notes. And yet when it comes to cars people still like to pretend that standard transmissions are somehow superior to automatic transmissions.
Let me get this straight: you want me to have to use a clutch, change gears every 5 seconds and have a minor heart attack every time I park on a hill, even though they figured out how to make the robot do all of those things for me? Really? You say things like “I have more control” and “it’s more fun” but I have TWO FREE HANDS for texting and road raging while you have none. So who’s really having more fun on the roads?
Well, I’m sure there are more examples but I can’t think of any right now because The Man has also ruined my attention span with his stupid internet. What are the things that you can’t live without?