With the Christmas season upon us, I once again find myself pondering the big theological question that’s on everyone’s mind:
Who’s the worst Christmas villain?
First, let’s start with the obvious choices.
The Grinch was clearly a bad dude. He terrorized Whoville, abused his dog Max, stole all the presents and decorations and foisted a shitty Halloween sequel on us (“Halloween is Grinch Night”). Then again, was it really his fault? The Grinch had a congenital heart defect (you try living with a heart that’s two sizes too small) and he rehabilitated himself, without any help from Dr. Drew or the Scientologists. If anything the Grinch is a Christmas hero, not a villain.
Ebenezer Scrooge is the other most famous Christmas jerk, but was he really all that bad? Scrooge was a small business owner – no different than your average Joe the Plumber – during the worst recession since the Dark Ages and he still gave that slacker Cratchit a full day off with pay to celebrate Christmas. And how does Cratchit thank Scrooge for his generosity? By whining about not getting a half-day on Christmas Eve! Poor Scrooge was so upset that he went home, smoked a little Jacob Marley (obviously laced with PCP), had a few bad hallucinations, woke up and started giving away turkeys like there was no tomorrow. In other words, Scrooge was another genuine Christmas hero.
So let’s talk about some real Christmas villains.
Donner was one of the most famous reindeers on Santa’s varsity sled team. He was also a vicious child abuser who treated his son, Rudolph, with open contempt. He berated his son and made him cover his beautiful red nose but was all too happy to take credit when Rudolph saved Christmas. Now that asshole was a real Christmas villain.
Charlie Brown might be the worst of the bunch. While we’re never clear whether he’s been treated for his clinical depression or not, Charlie makes it his mission in life to ruin Christmas for everyone, including his amazing dog. Sorry, Charlie, but it’s not our fault that you’re a friendless loser. Being alone and sad on Christmas isn’t enough for Charlie, though. Charlie must take revenge on everyone and everything by constantly railing against presents, decorations and entertaining stage shows. Now that’s one little rage-filled communist that the government should definitely keep an eye out for.
So, who’s the biggest Christmas villain on your list this year?
(Note: Joe Lieberman doesn’t count.)