Having a Fine Time Doing Time

I’ve always thought that I could really succeed at prison life. And I don’t mean the local lock-up or even the county jail. I’m talking medium-to-maximum security prison-prison. Now, I’m not saying that I want to go to prison, nor am I implying that I accidentally killed a man in Boise and deserve to go to prison. I’m just saying that I think I could survive – and possibly even enjoy – a little time in prison.

Things that I think I’d like about Prison Life:

1) The clothing: prison garb consists of loose, flowy pants and shirts that ride the line between sweats and real clothes. Sounds comfy to me!  Plus, the vertical stripes are very slimming.

2) The alone time: while I’m no Unabomber, I’m also a person that can go long stretches without needing to leave the house and/or interact with other humans. Solitary confinement sounds kind of awesome if you think about it.

3) The mobile library: here I am, like a schmuck, going to the library and bookstore while in prison they bring the books to you.

4) The food: they don’t serve that fancy chef-inspired crap that I detest so much in prison. We’re talking Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and other real food three times a day, every day. Yum!

5) The gangs: I feel like I’d do pretty well working my way up a prison gang hierarchy. I’m not great with a shank, but I’d definitely work on my skills if I knew that I was going to be in the joint for a while.

6) The free Johnny Cash concerts: ’nuff said.

Things that I think I wouldn’t like about Prison Life:

1) The yard: never a great athlete, I feel like my lack of sports skills might prevent me from getting on the prison soccer/football team and planning a dramatic escape.

2) The guards: they seem mean and are always demanding favors and bribes. I don’t like their attitude at all.

3) The gangs: I’m not sure which gang to align myself with. I’m leaning Latino, but I’d have to brush up on my Spanish a bit first. The skinheads would definitely not like me. I’d like to read some brochures before I commit, though. It’s such a major life-decision – kind of like picking a fraternity to pledge, I’d imagine.

4) The pay: $1.65 an hour to do the laundry seems a little low. Sure, I could always supplement it by dabbling in the cigarette-strawberry wine trade, but still, I’d like to make at least $6 an hour.

5) The sheets: I hear that the thread-count is below 300. That’s really not going to cut it. I have sensitive skin, you know.

6) The free Billy Ray Cyrus concerts: ’nuff said, again.


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