Cross-Cultural Intellectual Relativity Theory (C.C.I.R.T.)

I’ve been hard at work in the lab lately doing some landmark research on cross-cultural intellectual relativity theory (C.C.I.R.T.) and wanted to share some of my initial findings just in case any readers had valuable insights to share before I submitted my final report to the appropriate scientific journals.

I believe that I have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that individuals in possession of a British accent receive an intellectual credibility enhancement (I.C.E.) benefit of approximately 63% upon arrival in the United States. This benefit differs based upon the sub-variant of the accent. For example, a Cockney accent only yields a modest 10% benefit while an East Yorkshire-on-Little-Paddington accent receives an incredible 134% gain (on average).

This (frankly undeserved) intellectual perceptual boost helps to explain* the massive emigration of British citizens to the U.S. over the last three decades. Many Brits are now well aware of the fact that Brits of average intelligence have a much greater chance of financial success in America simply because the average American thinks that Brits (even dumb ones) are wicked smart because of their fancy way of talking.

(*Please note that our research also showed that many Brits prefer life in America for many other reasons. Some of the listed examples include: the American habits of wrapping food in hygienic containers, chilled beverages, cable television and sporting events that do not drag on for months on end without resolution.)

Sadly, there appears to be no reciprocal factor. Residents of Great Britain (England in particular) are wholly unimpressed by American accents and actually have a higher opinion of dim-witted Welshmen than of Americans, especially Southern-accented Americans. This is most likely due to the perceived intellectual limitations of former American president George W. Bush.

Other notable findings of the study include the fact that most Americans view Australian accents favorably; but as opposed to the intellectual credibility enhancement associated with the British accent, the majority of Americans just thought that Australians sounded like “they’d be fun to party with.”


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