I Hate, John Mayer!

I hate John Mayer so very much. I’m not sure if there’s anyone in the music world that I hate as much as John Mayer.

Why do I hate John Mayer?

I hate John Mayer because I don’t buy his sensitive singer-songwriter bit. I think he’s pulling a fast one over on the ladies. All of his songs should be called “What do I need to say to get you to sleep with me?”

And yet, it works. According to my research department (wiki) he’s dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston? That’s not fair! I have it on good authority (from my people in Cabo) that Jennifer Aniston is even hotter in person than she appears to be in the picture shows. And he dumped her! Not cool, John Mayer.

I hate John Mayer because he dropped out of school to pursue his music career full-time – and it worked! Schlubs like me dream of going to the world-famous Berklee College of Music (located in the scenic Back Bay of Boston) to hone our musical chops but we can’t get in because they don’t accept 38 year old C+ level harmonica players. John Mayer actually got into the coveted school but had the audacity to skip out after just two semesters to chase his muse. What a jerk.

I hate John Mayer because he’s a renaissance man. He writes songs. He plays the guitar. He sings like an angel. He writes well. He does charity work. He does stand up comedy. He collects (and designs) sneakers and guitars. The hip-hop community loves him. Steve Jobs loves him. Jeez, dude, leave a little for the rest of us.

I hate John Mayer because he thinks he’s the next coming of Eric Clapton. As the saying goes, “EC is god.” By Mayer’s logic that makes him the second (third?) coming of god. To think that some spoiled brat from Southern Connecticut would compare himself to god seems super-megalomaniacal insane. When you’ve loved and lost like Eric Clapton, then you can be a blues master like Eric Clapton. Or maybe when you make solid pop-blues albums like Eric Clapton’s 461 Ocean Boulevard you can be the next Clapton. You know, like Continuum. Oh, damn you, John Mayer, you really might be the next Clapton.

Aww, who am I kidding? I don’t hate John Mayer at all. I kind of love John Mayer. I’m just jealous of him because he’s so handsome and talented and popular and cool. And he is undeserving of our (my) scorn. So the next time you find yourself inexplicably hating John Mayer, think of these things:

• The John Mayer Trio is a pretty solid power trio;

• He’s written a ton of good to great songs, including “Gravity”, “Daughters”, “Dreaming with a Broken Heart”, “In Repair”, “Stop this Train”, “In Your Atmosphere” and “I’m Gonna Find a New You”;

• He had the audacity to cover Jimi Hendrix’s “Axis: Bold as Love” and did an impressive job with it;

• He’s so tough that he laughed when he got his many, many tattoos. He was stone-cold sober and he laughed at the puny needle. Now, that’s tough!

• His solo version of “Human Nature” at the MJ funeral was great, until they faffed it up with the shitty background vocals; and

• He dated Jennifer Aniston.

In conclusion, I’d like to say that I do not hate John Mayer and I do love John Mayer. He probably is the second coming of Eric Clapton (although I’m not sure if that’s the greatest things since Clapton has been a bit of an underachiever throughout his career). He seems like a nice enough guy and we’re lucky to have him. That is all.

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