Sometimes I’ll hit upon a topic that begs to be discussed but just can’t be. Usually, the problem is that the concept is too thin for a full essay (and too complicated for a tweet). Occasionally I’m afraid that the content will be deemed offensive (although my goal, as always, is to offend no one and everyone at exactly the same time.) And sometimes I just forget to write them.
But you’re in luck! Today I’ll be sharing some of the topics that could have or shouldn’t have been:
1) Gay or British?
Concept: Certain things in life seem to be the exclusive province of gay or British men. For example, straight men generally don’t use umbrellas, opting for a hat or just getting wet and looking tough. So when you spot a man with an umbrella, it begs the question: gay or British? Same thing goes for drinking (hot) tea.
Reason for failure: potentially offensive; couldn’t think of third example (I always use three examples in an essay).
2) Anything called ‘shower’ is a bad deal
Concept: Both baby showers and wedding showers are tortuous, especially if you’re a man and are obliged to attend. It’s just hours upon hours of politeness, dainty food and boring gift-opening. Rain and snow showers are also bad.
Reason for failure: shower showers are quite nice, so not everything named shower is a bad deal. I guess this essay should have been called “Please don’t make me go to your bridal/baby shower.”
3) In Defense of the MBTA
Concept: It’s fun to bitch about the public transportation in Boston, but in general it’s fairly reliable, occasionally clean and often humorous. Therefore, we should defend them to counterbalance all of the (insightful and hilarious) criticism.
Reason for failure: On Tuesday night my train was late (again), smelled bad and made red hulk angry.
4) French Cuffs are Lame
Concept: French cuffs, and their little partners-in-crime, the cufflink, are lame. Potentially only worn by gay or British men.
Reason for failure: What else is there to say? If it’s not your wedding day, your French cuffs are lame.
5) Posts That Could Have or Shouldn’t Have Been
Concept: A post that is allegedly about posts that were never written, but was really an original, high-concept piece.
Reason for failure: post not funny.