Are We Really Still Bothering With NASA?

People that know me well know that I hate two things more than anything else: wearing big boy clothes and NASA.

Now, I’m not going to get into the big boy clothes thing today, but suffice to say that any item of clothing that features buttons or zippers is no friend of mine. (Remind me at a later date to explain my awesome ‘dream pants’ invention.)

Back to NASA: for as long as I can remember I have railed against the waste of money that is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I really can’t think of another more wasteful government project, and that’s including the Department of Interior Design.

Since the beginning of the “space race” NASA has delivered exactly two notable inventions: TANG and Velcro. And let’s be honest – TANG sucks worse than Sunny D and Velcro is really just for fat kids who are too lazy to tie their own sneakers.

Twenty kazillion dollars down the drain and nothing to show for it except for a couple of alleged moon rocks.

Actually, I’m joking when I say “alleged moon rocks” because I’m definitely not a conspiracy theorist when it comes to the moon landing. This is surprising because I believe in literally every other conspiracy theory in the world. Anytime I can blame the Illuminati or the Masons for something, I’m in. But I definitely believe in the moon landing. Do you know why? Because it’s way too embarrassing to lie about landing on the moon since THERE’S NOTHING THERE.

We spent all that money and got into a huge pissing match with Russia over a useless hunk of rock floating in space. And the same thing goes for the rest of space. It’s empty. That’s why it’s called “space.”

Meanwhile, two-thirds of the Earth is just sloshing around, begging to be explored. All this time we could be searching for the hidden kingdom of Atlantis – which we all know exists – but, nope, we’ve got to waste our time trying to fix up that junky trailer park that they call the International Space Station.

We could be figuring out how to breathe underwater. We could be discovering delicious new varietals of deep-ocean fish to eat. We could be hanging out with mer-people. We could be building underwater cities modeled after Bikini Bottom. But, nope, we’ve got to blow our cash on stupid, empty, useless space.

And what’s the deal with the Space Shuttle? Assuming there are aliens somewhere out in the universe, wouldn’t we want to send up some bad-ass looking muscle car of a spaceship? Instead we’ve got this wimpy-looking shuttle that practically screams: “Invade our planet! We’re a bunch of pussies!” If I was in charge of NASA, I’d be painting flames and shark teeth on the side of my tricked-out space destroyer.

So, there you have it. To recap:

1) NASA is a waste of money;
2) We should put our scientific efforts behind exploring the oceans; and
3) Flames and shark teeth are wicked cool.


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