Can We Just Give Hawaii and Alaska Back Already?

Recently, I was talking about the Unites States with a youngster and I made a “joke” to the effect that Hawaii and Alaska don’t really count as states. After a responsible adult – in an attempt to stave off an elementary school test failure – informed the child that yes, Hawaii and Alaska are indeed real states I decided to take my idea to a more open-minded audience, namely, you, the internet.

In my view, Alaska and Hawaii aren’t real states because they don’t touch the rest of the country. Sure, I might be a stickler for contiguousness, but I always thought that the “united” in United States meant that the states were geographically united, in addition to being united under the boot-heels of a bunch of fat old white men (and one skinny black man) in D.C.

I once read the back-story of Hawaii (but not the James A. Michener book ‘Hawaii’) which informed me that Hawaii was once a peaceful kingdom ruled by a benevolent queen until evil American corporations convinced our corrupt government to invade the place so we could steal their sugar cane, coffee and gourmet pizza. And then we promptly crapped up the place, per our usual MO.

I haven’t heard the back-story of Alaska (nor have I read the James A. Michener book ‘Alaska’) but I’m guessing that it’s the same deal as Hawaii, but substitute “whale blubber”, “oil” and “crystal meth” for “sugar cane”, “coffee” and “gourmet pizza.” I’m not sure that there was much in Alaska for us to crap up, but then again, polar bears can’t (or won’t) talk. Plus, this would be a really easy way to get rid of Sarah Palin for once and for all (but Levi can definitely stay – he’s super awesome.)

It seems like the least we can do, in the new spirit of “America isn’t so bad after all,” to give these two territories back to their rightful owners. Plus, I hear that Hawaii is really expensive and I’m thinking that our broke-ass country can’t really afford any expensive vacation timeshares these days.

Now, the other thing that our broke-ass country probably can’t afford is to reprint our letterhead and flags and stuff with just 48 stars. But I have a simple solution: when we ditch Hawaii and Alaska we automatically give DC statehood and split California into North and South California. That way, we’ll stay flat at 50 states and keep everybody happy.

So that’s the plan and I’m confident that all of you – with the possible exception of my son’s teacher – will embrace it warmly.


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