Everyone loves to marvel at rock and rollers like The Rolling Stones that keep on rocking well into their golden years. But isn’t it also incumbent on us to tell certain rock and rollers when they should just give it up? I’m not talking about retirement here – I’m just saying that there are some people should stick to the soft stuff.
3 Rock & Rollers that Should Stop Rocking
Elton John
Nobody does schmaltz quite like Sir Elton. He’s been one of music’s finest purveyors of maudlin ballads for well over 30 years. From the early masterpieces like “Daniel” and “Your Song” to the bloated (yet endearing) pomposity of later songs like “The One” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”, Elton and his frequently collaborator Bernie Taupin know exactly what it takes to write a song that goes down easy and makes you want to give the whole world a big old hug.
But something awful happens when Elton decides that it’s time to rock. Songs like “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” or “The Bitch is Back” are bad enough, but “Crocodile Rock” is the real sin here. “Crocodile Rock” is probably the worst song ever written by a major star. It’s an insult to rock, and EJ should have his rock license revoked for writing it. The fact that Bob the Builder, The Beach Boys and The Baha Men have all covered the tune show that they, too, definitely do not rock.
Billy Joel
Ironically, or perhaps not, the next contestant in our little game is Elton John’s touring partner Billy Joel. Now I will admit that I am unfairly biased against Billy Joel because he is the aural manifestation of Long Island. Having attended college in upstate New York, 90% of my classmates were Long Islanders and they loved two things: Long Island and Billy Joel. Now, I have nothing against Long Island (except for the clutter and the traffic) but I have nothing for it either. But Long Islanders act like Long Island is the South of France. It’s not. And years of living with people that possessed a ridiculously high opinion of Long Island (and Billy Joel) has caused me to hate both Long Island (and Billy Joel.)
Unlike Elton, who reliably writes great ballads and shitty rockers, Billy is all over the map. He’s written some really good songs (e.g. “New York State of Mind”) and he’s written a ton of bad (but popular) songs. But nothing is quite as bad as his pathetic rockers. The stinkers include “Movin’ Out”, “Big Shot”, “Pressure”, “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” and “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. I’m suicidal just thinking about those songs. And why do weak-ass rockers always have to include the word “rock” in their song titles? I suspect that Billy doth protest too much.
James Taylor
I feel bad including James Taylor in the list because he’s not really a rocker and he doesn’t even pretend to be. He’s a folksy singer-songwriter and in the past I’ve really liked JT. But ever since I bought the “(Live)” double-album in 1993 I’ve liked him a little less with each passing year. I predict that by 2015 I will actually like JT from Kool & the Gang better than James Taylor and by 2020 I will actively dislike James Taylor.
James’s crime is singular. His song “Steamroller” is an awful, awful song that is embarrassing for everyone involved in performing or listening to it. Especially the part where he scats: “chicken chunkin’, mother fuckin’ care…” Seriously, James? “chicken chunkin’” was the toughest phrase that you could come up with? It reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld trying to talk dirty. (And please lose the perma-hat – we all know you’re bald. It’s no big deal. Tell Paul Simon and Dwight Yoakam while you’re at it.)
Can you think of any more rock and rollers that should give up the rock?
(Well, besides Courtney Love. We didn’t mean that rock.)
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LI Ashtangini // Oct 19, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Nooooo, not James Taylor!
What about Bob Dylan? Now THERE’S someone who needs to retire already!
Mitch // Oct 19, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Sonya,
After discussing the issue with work wife #2, I fear that I may have been imprecise in defining the issue. There are certain musicians that fall broadly into the “rock and roll” genre that are better on the soft side of the street. Elton, Billy & JT should never rock – not because of their age – but rather due to their inability to deliver quality rock.
Mr. Dylan, on the other hand, has and will always rock. He is hardcore just like Neil Young. Age cannot remove their past successful delivery of the rock.
Please pardon my lapse.
(But at least I took a few pot shots at LI on your behalf!)
(0v0) // Oct 19, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Did you see Neil on Charlie Rose last week? Not that I did (snore), but Rob freaked out.
These guys are all ok if they keep it soft. Admittedly, Billy Joel makes me twitch, but that’s me, not him.
I agree that Crocodile Rock is a sin, and that covering it is doubly sinful. But Bennie and the Jets? So good! For the most part, I love the Yellow Brick Road era.
(0v0) // Oct 19, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Oh my god, this woman with the birthday cake is adorable!
And your son can smash bricks with his bare hands!!!
Did you buy that camera yet?
Mitch // Oct 19, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Bennie and the Jets is solid. I didn’t see Neil on CR but he’s got the lifetime pass in my house. Sure, he’s released more shitty albums than anyone (I own too many of them) but for every ‘Greendale’ there’s a ‘Silver & Gold’. Also, I was once able to sell a Neil tee shirt in Canada, literally off my back, for $15 US once.
Re; the videos – thank you. Great Grandma just turned 89 – she’s the only grandparent I have left – and she’s an amazing person. And the boy was breaking wood – still an impressive feat for a 9 year old!
Kenny B // Oct 20, 2009 at 7:09 am
Mitch,
Do you care to tell the rest of the class what happened AFTER you sold that Neil Young shirt on that fateful day in Canada back in 1989??? Hmmm, well, let’s hear it!
And for those of you guessing at what transpired, let’s just say that according to the last blog post, Mitch is a Francophobe, not a Francophile.
Mitch // Oct 20, 2009 at 9:59 am
I am a lover, not a fighter, so when the brawl at Mount Saint Anne broke out (to the sound of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I stayed inside the lodge.
Tony Roni // Oct 20, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Billy Joel?!? I see where you’re coming from, but one learns (or is conditioned) to appreciate Joel’s artistry when listening to his Greatest Hits cassette tape (yes, I said cassette tape) while driving to and from the Grand Canyon. Did I mention that this was the only tape in the car and that others in the car were singing along during the entire trip? What a magical day that was, right Kenny B?
Mitch // Oct 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Tony,
Thank you for stopping by. Let’s take a look at William Joel’s greatest hits and do a quick good bad assessment from memory:
Side one
“Piano Man” GOOD
“Say Goodbye to Hollywood” GOOD
“New York State of Mind” GOOD
“The Stranger” GOOD
“Just the Way You Are” GOOD
Side two
“Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)” BAD
“Only the Good Die Young” BAD
“She’s Always a Woman” GOOD
“My Life” (1978) BAD
“Big Shot” (1978) BAD
“You May Be Right BAD
Side three
“It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” BAD
“Don’t Ask Me Why” GOOD
“Pressure” BAD
“Allentown” BAD
“Goodnight Saigon” GOOD
Side four
“Tell Her About It” BAD
“Uptown Girl” BAD
“The Longest Time” BAD
“You’re Only Human ???
“The Night Is Still Young” ???
That’s 8 good tunes, 11 bad tunes, and 2 mystery tunes (that obviously aren’t greatest hits outside of Long Island). That a +38% batting average.
In other words, I hope you tossed that tape in the bottom of the canyon.
Kenny B // Oct 20, 2009 at 2:51 pm
It wasn’t Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits, it was that awful live album he recorded in Russia (I mean The Soviet Union).
We actually gave the tape (correct me if I’m wrong Tony) to our lovely travelling companians under the condition that they cease playing for the remainder of the trip. Then we tuned in some Flagstaff, AZ radio station that was in the process of changing formats and they were playing Xmas music as the filler. And out of that, a long-running joke about our favorite Hogan’s Hero…Kinchloe, was born.
Kenny B // Oct 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm
And for the record, Mitch. Goodnight Saigon SUCKS! Billy Joel knows as much about serving in Vietnam as George W. Bush and Al Gore.
Mitch // Oct 20, 2009 at 2:55 pm
First, any ‘live in russia’ album sucks – see McCartney for reference.
second, please keep your AZ reminiscing to the sun devils blog.
Third, yeah, I hate piano man and goodnight saigon, too, but I was trying to be reasonable.
Kenny B // Oct 20, 2009 at 3:04 pm
There’s no reasonable Billy Joel music. I used to be able to tolerate the ballad-y stuff, which is why I owned that terrible Russia album in the first place, but now the sound of his voice just makes me angry.
Tony Roni // Oct 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm
My apologies for stirring the pot. ASU stories aren’t relevant here. And yes, that tape did disappear after that fateful trip. The point I was trying to make is that anyone can be conditioned to blindly like/love a certain artist. Think of how many lost souls out there love Billy Joel because his music was used as the theme song for “Bosom Buddies.” Here’s another “rocker” to add to the list: Randy Newman.
Mitch // Oct 20, 2009 at 3:52 pm
No apologies necessary. It’s just that you ASU guys already get 7 years to complete a bachelor’s, so it seems unecessary to talk about it anymore.
Randy Newman is awesome on Toy Story. Also, he wrote “I think it’s going to rain today” which Mark Karan just covered quite nicely. But he’s less of a rocker than JT. Just look at the glasses!