Mitch Blum

On a recent episode of his podcast, The BS Report, ESPN’s Bill Simmons (formerly the Boston Sports Guy) was chatting with his friend John ‘Jacko’ O’Connell about the Red Sox and Yankees when they hit upon a brilliant idea: opposing teams should play Black Crowes tunes to freak out Alex Rodriguez whenever he comes up to bat.

The reason for this simple yet devious ploy is that A-Rod is currently dating Kate Hudson, who is the ex-wife of Chris Robinson, lead singer of the Black Crowes. But, like most people, Bill & Jacko could only recall a couple of Black Crowes hits dating back to their brief stint atop the charts in the early ‘90s, so the idea couldn’t really take off.

I loved this idea and knew – as a diehard Crowes/Sox fan and Rodriguez/Hudson hater – that it was my destiny to take this concept and run with it. So, without further ado, here are:

14 Highly Relevant Black Crowes Songs that Baseball Stadiums Should Play to Freak Out A-Rod

When a photograph of A-Rod and Playboy Playmate Joslyn Noel Morse hit the papers while he was still married to someone else, A-Rod instantly became a “Darling of the Underground Press”. And there was “No Use Lyin’” to Katie Couric on 60 Minutes about steroid use after failing the mandatory 2003 MLB drug tests. A-Rod must have been “Waitin’ Guilty” for those results to get leaked out. Everybody knows that softball interviews are a chance to “Just Say You’re Sorry”.

But enough about his off the field controversies. Aside from personal, juice-enhanced stats, baseball must seem like a “Cursed Diamond” for A-Rod. His inability to perform in the postseason is quite “Predictable” by this point. “Only a Fool” would try to slap the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove in game 6 of the 2004 ALCS with millions of people watching. Then again, he’s the same guy in 2007 that pulled the bush-league stunt of yelling ‘I got it’ while “Movin’ On Down The Line” to trick a Blue Jays player into dropping a pop-up. Perhaps those were just some “Words You Throw Away”?

The real shame is that A-Rod takes the spotlight off the best player on the Yankees, Derek Jeter. Even Sox fans can respect a great player like Jeter, so let’s all sing “Good Morning Captain” to remind A-Rod who’s the real alpha dog in the clubhouse. What’s that, Alex? Are you “Jealous Again” of Jeter? “Bitter, Bitter You”.

What you should really be jealous of are the Red Sox players (2004, 2007) that have proudly worn the championship “Diamond Ring”. But you’ve still got a few chances left to win in your career, so let’s close by saying “Bad Luck Blues Eyes Goodbye”.

Disclaimers:

1) Yes, I realized that Manny and Ortiz might have accidentally sampled a tiny bit of steroids during the 2004/2007 championship era. I’m sure that it was an accident and/or had no affect on the results.

2) As a masshole sports fan I will fully admit that if A-Rod came to the Sox in 2007 I’d be rooting for him shamelessly.

3) Kate Hudson and A-Rod are a perfect couple and I wish them well. (A-Rod’s nickname “The Cooler” fits them both – no movie with Kate Hudson or team with A-Rod will ever succeed).

4) Chris Robinson is the Derek Jeter of rock and roll. After 20 years the range might be somewhat diminished but the intangibles keep growing. 2009 has been a great year for both Jeter and Robinson (as a stellar new Crowes album was recently released.)

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If you like humorous essays about sports you might like The Boston Sports Fan’s Guide to Choosing a Jersey. Other humor essays are here. Lots of Black Crowes and music essays can be found here.

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