As one who is deeply in tune with the subtlest forms of matter known to mankind, I operate with an extremely sophisticated level of perception. While many of you mechanically trudge from home to the office and back again barely noticing your surroundings, I am strongly aware of anything and everything that is happening around me. But don’t be jealous – it has taken me decades to happily exist without being overwhelmed by the sound of a hummingbird’s flapping wings or the scent of a fresh blooming rose.
As the years have passed, I have tried to turn my gift for super-sensory perception into a practical art. As a public service, I shall share a very important observation with you. My only hope is that my knowledge can become a boon in your daily existence.
STAY AWAY FROM “CRAZY HAT” PEOPLE
Please allow me to explain. In my personal lexicon a “crazy hat” is a baseball cap worn in a crazy manner. Following are the tell-tale signs of “crazy hat”:
1) It features a flat unbroken-in brim
2) The hat is worn at a jaunty/sideways angle
3) A doo-rag under the hat is optional, but recommended
Through careful observation over the years I have come to the extremely scientific conclusion that people that wear the “crazy hat” are not to be trifled with.
(Please note that the team featured on the “crazy hat” is not important, although it’s probable that New York Yankees and Chicago White Sox “crazy hat” wearers are the worst of the lot.)
“Crazy Hat” is a lifestyle. It knows no bounds of age, gender, ethnicity or socio-economic status. It is possible that “crazy hat” wearers are all members of some sadistic national uber-gang, the capo di tutti capo of street gangs, if you will, but I was unable to test this hypothesis (i.e. I was too scared to find out).
Be particularly careful in traffic situations. If you see a “crazy hat” driver on the road definitely give them a wide berth and don’t retaliate under any circumstances. A “crazy hat” is always looking for trouble.
“Crazy hat” people live for danger – they like to rumble. They love cigarettes. They adore the ribbed wife-beater shirt and they often fancy a necklace or two. If they have kids, they often enjoy yelling at them in public.
Please don’t confuse the “crazy hat” with the backwards cap wearer. While nominally related, the backward cap wearer is often merely an obnoxious frat boy, and is only dangerous after last call. The “crazy hat” wearer is dangerous 24/7.
That is all that I have for you today. But please, please, I implore you, take my advice and STAY AWAY FROM “CRAZY HAT” PEOPLE!