When I spot a businessman with a metal attaché case…

When I spot a businessman with a metal attaché case I’m immediately thinking one of two things: that dude is a spy or that dude wants to look like a spy.  Either way, I’m hooked.

If that metal attaché case is handcuffed to his wrist then I’m thinking that that dude has got the nuclear codes.  Unfortunately I have yet to run into handcuffed metal attaché guy.  There’s still time, though, and I haven’t given up hope yet.

What could anyone possibly have in their attaché that requires it to be encased in metal?  Looking into my bag today (full disclosure: it’s a Tumi knapsack) I spy the following items: banana, apple, iPod, laptop, toothbrush & paste, gum, lipstuff, pencil and a ‘Bart Simpson’ comic book.  Forget the metal attaché case.  Judging by my meager possessions I should probably be downgraded to a plastic Target bag.

You don’t see many traditional attaché cases anymore, probably due to the growing popularity of the messenger bag and the fancy knapsack.  That seems sensible to me.  Both the messenger bag and the knapsack are hands-free options, giving the user two free hands for drinking coffee or crackberrying or smoking or flashing gang signs.  Not only is the old-style attaché clumsy but the metal one is really heavy to boot.  I can’t think of any reason, besides image, to heft around a metal attaché case – hence my suspicion that metal attaché case users are either spies or wannabe spies.

I think lawyers have it the worst when it comes to attaché cases.  They’re always hefting around gigantic piles of papers and files, made worse by their insistence on using that arrogant “legal sized” paper.  Yeah, yeah, I get it.  You’re a fancy lawyer.  Do you really have to use your own special sized paper?

School kids have it the pretty bad too.  They insist on using those cheap character-themed backpacks and then their teachers jam them full of those stupid heavy textbooks.  No wonder they all have scoliosis.  When I was a kid I just left my textbooks in the bottom of my locker along with the uneaten fruit.  And now, I’m 100% scoliosis-free.  Coincidence?  I think not.

One day I might just buy myself a metal attaché case just to see if people treat me differently.  I suspect that a hint of intrigue and danger might suit me just fine.


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